Posted in additional needs, autism, coffee morning, Parenting

Why was I so nervous?

Nervous, no I was terrified! Why was I so scared? Come on I’m a big girl, it’s not as if I was going on a plane to a different country, I was going to a coffee morning, with parents. If I wasn’t a parent maybe that would have been the scary part!

I took Z with me, was I using my little 2.5 year old as backup? Possibly! No I don’t think I was really. I was scared, and like I had said I’ve seen playgroups, parents who take their children to playgroups are scary. Am I good enough to talk to you? The group who just tut at everything or the group that sit and pass judgement about Z climbing, or the child for taking a toy. Yes, carry on coz it could be your child one day.

Today was different, and I really glad I went. I’ve heard a parents side, well, a few, on what it’s like with a child or children with additional needs, with autism and with adhd. Does it scare me? Of course it does, I don’t think I’d be a human never mind a mother if it didn’t. Z seemed to have enjoyed himself and even ate cake, Z don’t eat cake! They were all a lovely bunch of people, made me feel welcome, answered any questions I had and made me feel like I can do this. I can give Z the best, which ever way I go, I’m sure Z and I will be fine.

So I’d like to say a thanks for letting me join your group, maybe one day one of you may read this, and I’ll be one of the ladies sitting at your side explaining how worried I was on my first time going to a group!

Posted in coffee, Food, friends, toddlers

A silly thing to be scared of….

Z and I have been invited to a local support group, this thought terrified me. I’ve spoken to two ladies who seem lovely, they’ve both offered advice and have been really understanding. But I was still scared to go. Why? Why would going to a coffee morning scare me? This is coming from me! Me, the one who will give anything a go, who worked as a children’s rep at 18. Maybe it’s coz I’ve now been opened up to the inside of play groups! Those places are worse than school.

After chatting to one of the ladies, it’s not so much as a play group more of a coffee morning, but Z can come with me. So I’m going to be brave and go. I’ve said I’ll be there tomorrow, so I will. I bet it won’t be anything scary about it. I hope not anyway as I’m sat her chewing my nail!

Again life is full of adventures, this is part of mine. How can two strangers yes, strangers make some one they’ve never met feel so welcome before I’ve even set foot in the front door.


Z had his own adventure today, one that involves E of course! It was a sunny afternoon and as I’m heading to pick Z up from nursery, I rang J to see if she fancied coming for coffee. Coffee ended up with a bite to eat! I know we’re supposed to be on a diet! But it’s food!!


It was the first time for Z to climb trees and he loved it, at first he fell off, but got straight back up again. There’s nothing like seeing a little boy climb trees. Trees are meantto be climbed. E gave them a fair shot too, she’s still little, but I was impressed!


There’s  nothing better than a spur of the moment coffee, food and good company. Where would Z an I be without you?!

Posted in friends, Parents

A silly Sunday scribble

It’s safe to say this hasn’t been my best week. Things kind of hit me this week. Hell a lot of things hit me this week! But I’m ok, bouncing back each day. So, Sunday, Z didn’t go anywhere yesterday as he wasn’t well. This morning back to his usual self. Even eaten toast and drank his milk by 8am.

Things don’t always go to plan well not if you don’t have any! Spur of the moment and as it’s still sunny, we shall meet J and E for a walk. But Z decided he was having a late afternoon nap, and as he’s waking E decides well now it’s her turn! So, coffee at  J’s it is. image

Z have finally figured out that the little animals fit nicely in Noah’s ark! What ever he plays E watches, come on they are her toys after all! After trying to get most of them off him, throwing them back to him, she goes in for the kill with a big sloppy kiss! She loves him really!


Its funny tho, coz when E try’s taking stuff off him, J shouts “no” and Z cries! He don’t like the word no! Hopefully they’ll have that type of friendship in E can pick on him, take any thing off him, give it back with a kiss, but no one else can, she’ll stick up for him! Cheers E!

It’s crazy to think that E don’t see a difference in Z to any other kids, maybe she does I don’t know that, but all the children we bother with on a regular basis accept Z, they know they are to be wary coz he runs, they keep out of his way. It’s the  parents, (other parents not my little group), who give the snide comments that all he does is run. So at what age do children see different? Do they pick these things up from parents? Having a child with additional needs, makes me take a second glance, when a child is screaming in the street, or in the shop for something. We don’t know who that child is or what that parent is going through. (This post has gone a little random). Maybe what I’m trying to say is why are us as parents so judgemental? Who says your little baby who’s just sitting there right now won’t be a runner at two like Z? Who says your little darling will still be the little darling at 14? I think as parents we have a lot to deal with, without other parents snide comments. Can’t we all be in this together?

Posted in Parenting, sickness

Sick day.

I should have been at work today. It’s the first time I think I’ve ever phoned in sick.

Z spent the night down nans last night, as I was working today, 11am pick up, I didn’t have a drink, J and I were sensible in getting a KFC,      ( ok, yes, I admit, diet went out of the window!) and playing monopoly, not the serious, competitive one, but the Disney one. Again, yea I know we’re grown adults, but do we have anything better to do on a Friday night? Nope! Julie’s mate popped by and we all played monopoly together. I won of course! But listen to J I conned them all. I didn’t! As a game of monopoly goes it turned into a long night. Just leaving and forgot to inform J of some things so back in, before I knew it, 12am, yikes home! Straight to bed near enough, that’s the fun of going to your mates in pjs! A call at 2.30 to say Z had been sick. I don’t mind, if he’s not well home is the best place right? So for the rest of the night I was listening out for more sick, luckily it didn’t come! Phew. But 6am some drunken idiots were shouting, dogs are barking and who wakes up other than me Z!

He wouldn’t drink anything this morning or eat. Temp was fine, so a bit of a cwtch on the settee and iPad time. He did drink some water at 9. I rang to say I won’t be in work, other than being really tired I didn’t want to leave Z if he wasn’t well. As it is, after a three hour nap he seems fine. Still yawning but fine. So now I’ll pop out and get a few odds and ends I was going to get at 9. Hope it’s not too busy for a Saturday afternoon.

Posted in blogging, Fun

50 things that make me happy.

So I’ve been asked to write about my 50 things that make me happy. By Sarah who blogs at

(Please let that link work…)

So I have a few minutes before work, let’s give it a shot. I’ll number these bad boys to know where I am!

  1. My family, yes, my family makes me happy. My husband and son, my parents, sister and grandparents.
  2. My pooches, yes, they do make me happy most of the time!
  3. My friends. Yes, I have the best friends.
  4. My jobs, they make me happy so that I can afford to buy what I want, most of the time!
  5. The outdoors.,
  6. When my son does something that I’m not expecting, so a simple instruction he follows I’m super happy!
  7. Watching greys anatomy.
  8.  Vodka.
  9. A day out with my mates.
  10. Chatting to people.
  11. Driving the bus.
  12. My iPhone.
  13. My iPad!
  14. My car, without my car I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere.
  15. Taking Z to the park.
  16. Well taking Z anywhere.
  17. Netflix
  18. Books, I love reading, anything.
  19. The summer.
  20. The snow.
  21. Snowboarding.
  22. The beach. ( maybe I’ll hate it when Z is covered in sand!)
  23. Swimming. Alone or with Z.
  24. Shopping.
  25. Buying things for Z.
  26. Walking.
  27. Going for a meal.
  28. The smile Z gives me when he just looks at me.
  29. A bargain.
  30. My pjs.
  31. A family BBQ
  32. The views where I live.
  33. Food.
  34. A tidy house.
  35. Ice cream.
  36. Chinese food.
  37. Chocolate.
  38. Crisps.
  39. Music.
  40. Twitter, and finding new friends!
  41. The red in my hair.
  42. When Z tries something new food wise.
  43. When Z copies something for the first time.
  44. A phone call with a mate you’ve not seen in a while.
  45. Holidays.
  46. A smile from a stranger, there are still nice people in this world.
  47. People who are in my life, who I  don’t see everyday.
  48. An afternoon out, sat in a beer garden in the sun.
  49. Watching the stars at night.
  50. And last but not least…. Me! I make myself happy! Someone has to right?!

Now I’m going to tag….

What 50 things make you happy?

Posted in friends, Parenting, vodka


What is friendship? Since having Z I’ve often wondered this. I used to say I had a good group of mates, always out having a laugh, getting drunk, going to the cinema etc. We grew older, we went to each other’s houses for coffee chats after work. Some had children, some got different jobs, both meant different things, different priorities and different friends.

I kind of kept in touch with certain ones, during my time working away, I’d write letters, make phone calls and meet up when I was home. How many of these do I keep in touch with now? One, yup one. I’ve known her since I was 11, she was my first best friend in ‘big’ school! Still is one of my best mates.

I’ve always had different groups of friends, I suppose I  still do! Now it’s my mates and the playgroup girls. I know both groups would be there for me if I needed anything.

My one mate I’ve known since I was 3, yes, that’s nearly all my life! I’m still very good friends with her, I’d say one of my closest friends. There’s been times when I’ve not seen her in a while, but we’ve always kept in touch and now Z and her son will ( hopefully!) be best buddies too, and as they’ve know each other all their lives. Z was 8 months when I was born. They maybe in the same class if Z gets to go to that school. If he don’t I’m sure there will still be play dates with F and I.

My group of friends consist of school friends and college friends, so again known some of these since I was 11, some since 16. That’s a long time, half my life! I read somewhere once, that you change your friends roughly every 7 years. I suppose in some ways that’s true for me, but I’ve kept my true friends.

So, play group friends, where do these ladies come in to it? Will I keep these as friends for the next 7 years? I hope I do.

Then theres J, who I’ve known around a year, we met at the doctors, as you do, just start chatting to random strangers! Twelve months later I meet her at playgroup, and I’m glad I did! I’m glad I found someone I could call a friend. There’s different ages in Z and E but not too much as they age. She’s been my rock this past year! Without her and vodka Friday’s I’m sure I’d be miserable!!

Then there’s A, who I’ve not known even a year, but, who’s been there for me this week to whinge at, I’m there for you too. ( just let me get over my pity party for one first! No room at the inn for two!)

There’s also people I’ve never met, we chat, we send pics to each other, we send gifts, they are also there.

Where I’m trying to go, or trying to say, is does it matter who you’ve known the longest? Where they are from? It’s a shame I didn’t meet J and A when I was at school, we could have had many a years more together! I know any one of my mates would be there if I called at any time during the night.

In one way I’m lucky I have a few good friends, I don’t need loads, the ones I have are just fine! Some of my friends are more like strangers now, does that make me sad? In ways I think yes, we’ve gone through so much together, so many laughs, so many memories. That’s what it’s all about, memories.

I’m sure as my journey through parenthood continues, when Z starts school, I’ll meet many new friends. It doesn’t matter what school he will go to there will be new friends, new people. It’s like a little adventure! One that’s only really starting.

I know in the next few months there will be people who I’ll meet, who will be there for Z and I, when and if we need it, and I look forward to meeting with you all.

So to the next few chapters of my life, I’m ready! But please, if you are  going to be my friend can there be vodka involved and can I fetch J? I can’t leave my partner in crime out!!

Posted in Birth, Parenting

Birth story.

After reading a few other blogs about people criticising others for having a cesarean birth. I thought I’d share my birth story.

On the 16th October I went in to be induced, I’d had a sweep around 10am. By 12 I was having contractions. I went to the ward like I was supposed to at 8pm, already in labour. The next morning, after no sleep, (can anyone get sleep on a labour ward?) I was wanting something for the pain. I’m a whimp, I was only 2cm. They said normally I wouldn’t have had anything, but my contractions were showing stronger for what they were supposed to be. I was monitored all night, I can remember the nurses being concerned at them. They gave me a low dose of pethidene at 8 am, hoping I would sleep for a bit wake up further along. At 8.20 a nurse was bringing in another lady, all I heard was, ‘turn on your left side now’. I vaguely remember trying to move. She turned me, before I knew it alarms were going and I was being whizzed through corridors. I knew there was something wrong, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it. This is the most terrifying experience ever. All I kept saying was, what’s wrong with my baby, is my baby ok, please tell me he’s ok. The nurse just said he needs to come out now. I was put in a room, there must have been 30 people around me. One stripping me, one putting drips in one hand, one in the other, someone asking could they break my waters, another asking me to sign a form, others asking me for contact details of my husband. I know there was change of shifts happening, I heard two arguing, one saying he needs out now, another give it five he’ll be fine. They attached a monitor to his head to get a heart beat. Every time I had a contraction his heart rate was dropping. I’m lucky my husband is five minutes away from the hospital, he met me going into theatre. He had just changed into scrubs and baby was born kind of thing. He was at the hospital by 9.30, Z was born at 10.11.

During this time other than pure panic, I don’t know how else I was feeling. I wasn’t altogether with it.

Am I glad I had a section and my son lived? Yes. Am I glad I had a section and lost a lot of blood? No. Am I glad I had a section that I was in pain for the next few weeks? Oh hang on nearly 3 years later I still have a bit of pain on my left side. No. Am I glad I had a section and can’t remember half what should have been something as straight foreward as giving birth? No. Would I do it again for the life of my child? Yes.

So to all the ladies that truly believe I am less of a mother because my son entered this world through the sun roof, your wrong.

My son is now giggling in his sleep, if that nurse hadn’t walked in when she did, if her quick reaction was slower who knows what the outcome would have been. So I for one am thankful that there are these skilled people, who everyday cut through seven layers of skin, fat and muscle to give parents a healthy baby.

Parenting is hard enough and judgemental enough without being looked down upon for something so silly as doing something to save your child. I don’t think a section is the easy way out. For six weeks after you can not drive, after a normal birth you could maybe drive yourself home. For six weeks I had to rely on others for hospital visits, and you do need to be at these visits, all after having major surgery. Yup, major surgery.

Posted in friends, ivf, Parenting, struggles


It’s playgroup day, I’m not going, I’ve been warned not to distance myself, I’m going shopping instead, maybe this is an easier way out? I feel a little bad as Z haven’t been anywhere this week. Next week I’ll be there. Everyone deserves a day off don’t they?

Z needs food, he needs sausage rolls and fish fingers, as this is what his diet consists of lately I’ve decided that that’s what I’ll cook him. Why am I cooking him food and then cooking fish fingers or fish cakes afterwards. Fish is good for you, isn’t it? As for the sausage roll, it’s food, he’s eating I’m happy.

It’s true, the little things, like yesterday a cheese spread sarnie, yes, a few weeks back he wouldn’t touch it. He’s got to the point he’ll even dip his crackers in the spread, as long as they the ones that come in the pot, can’t add any to the pot! But I’ll take that as progress.

I sit and think I’m actually still lucky, right, he can be hard work, but I wouldn’t change him. People struggle every day, I’m lucky I have a job and a roof over my head. I’m lucky I have Z. I hear of all those people who try for years for a child and still don’t get what they want. How many of them go through years of failed ivf, it worked first time, that’s a one in four chance or 25%. That’s luck!

So, I need to think I have luck on my side, and will continue to have luck from now on. Can it be luck who walks into your life? Or is that fate? Is it all fate?

To all my mates, some may read this others don’t, if I’m quiet for the next few days, I’m fine, honestly, I’ll be back! I’ll be back to my charming ways, I just need a few days of me time, of sitting doing nothing, reading my book and thinking how lucky I actually am. I have you guys all txting me, I will reply, I promise. So thanks! Thanks for being there, yea I know I wouldn’t thank you all to your faces I’m not that brave! J & A ( I know you will most probably read it!) thanks! I’d say come for coffee but I’m out of coffee pods, should have them by next week! Maybe that’s what up I need more coffee in my life!!

Posted in child, ivf, Parenting, sen, worry

Another day of overthinking

Okay, well, maybe not today, maybe the last few days. Just when I think I know what I’m doing and where I’m going, things get changed again. I don’t know how my head hasn’t exploded with all the who’s, what’s, where’s and when that’s been going on there. In all honesty I don’t think I’ve ever thought as much as I have! Thinking stresses me out, gives me headaches and makes me bite my nails!

Today, today was portage for Z, I don’t think I’ve taken everything in, I think it will take a while for things to sink in, that’s if things ever sink in. I’ve worried about Z since the day I decided I wanted a child. Then I worried if ivf would actually work. Then I worried if there would be any eggs, any embryos, how far they would go and if any would stick. As it happens Z stuck, he was my only transfer, there’s two frozen embies, and I suppose deep down somewhere I worry for those too. On the day of transfer, Z was obviously the choosen one, the docs picked him not me, he was the best one they had, we had, if we had gone on day three and not five I wouldn’t have Z as he was the weakest at the time, it’s crazy how things work, so yes, I believe Z was meant to be here. Most probably to make me worry! I worried the entire time I was pregnant, I worried during labour, I worried when I had to have an emergency section. So for the last four years I’ve worried, why am I not grey and a size zero I don’t know. I worried when he was brought home from hospital, I worried when he had to go back in, I worried. I think I’ll spend the rest of my life worrying.

Again, now I’m worried about school, why can’t I live in Europe where school doesn’t start until age seven? Should I even be worried about school he’s not yet three. The thing is, it’s not what school he’ll go to, if a professional said he needs to go to Hogwarts, that’s where he would go. He comes first and always have, he always will come first. I’ve learnt that my life is his, if he needs something then he’ll have it, is that bringing up a spoilt brat? I hope not. I hope he’ll not be a spoilt brat, but I think at this age he don’t know any different, it’s not as if he’s asking for these things. Maybe, when the time comes and he asks for things , then he may not get, but until I hit that bridge I’ll stay this side of it.

I over think things, I know I over think, that’s what’s driving me insane is I’m overthinking things! Things way to far in the future.

I like to plan, I like to know where I’m going, what I’m going to do, I’m an untidy person but I know where everything is, there’s some kind of structure to my chaos! So for now I feel as if I’m in limbo, I can’t plan, I can’t think I just have to go with the what ifs. Now it’s just waiting until the 21st may, a countdown, it’s not far off, something I can, hopefully say, will be helpful, maybe get a sense of where Z and I are going.


At least he’s getting his puzzle! He knows where they all go, still needs a little help, but the ones that fit into one another he’s got it!

Posted in family, outdoors, son, swing

Sunny Sunday.

We’ve been up early today, Z decided 6.45 was awake time, normally it’s anytime between 7-8, so 6.45 is early! I understand there’s loads of you out there, who, would consider 6.45 a lay in! We had our breakfast of milk and toast. We’ve had a small snack of Easter egg chocolate, Sunday is as good a time than any. We’ve done jigsaws and played.

I said to Z after getting dressed, ” Do you want to go and play on the swing in the garden?”. I don’t expect a yes or no, I just hold his hand and walk him to the back door. Today, he looked at me, he, for the first time knew what I was saying and headed to the back door. It’s more he understood swing, not play in the garden, as the swing is in the back garden he could have gone to front door to play in garden too.


Now, as I’m sat here, Z snoring away, who wouldn’t go to sleep being pushed in the sun.

Something, so simple as a

question on what Z would like to do, and him answering is proof that he is getting better. He may not communicate yet, but hopefully it will come in time. Now to move a sleeping Z to his cot……