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An honest part of me

As I said in my first blog, I used to do this the old fashion way and write things down. My red book is my whole ivf journey and Z’s milestones, my feelings on these both good and bad.

The opening line in my red book is ‘It all started sometime in Jan 2011’. I go on to explain my appointments and drugs after I finally get accepted.

So jump on a few days, a few pages ‘It’s  Sunday, I have no idea how many of you have survived or will survive.’

‘On Wednesday I was bleeding, it could be implantation bleeding, hope it is.’

‘On Thursday I saw you for the first time, you are tiny, measured at 4 weeks 5 days’.

‘Seen your heart beating on Thursday, you’r still tiny but have grown loads.’

‘I think I’ve lost you I’ve been bleeding, can’t do anything or go any where till tomorrow so will either see your heart flutter or I won’t.’

‘I seen you!’

This is how my red book goes. Right through to birth, crawling, walking, some of the most recent ones.

‘Since Christmas you’ve come on loads, you have a portage worker….. You’ve started speech and the use of cards…… yesterday you wanted E to tickle you, you took her hand, this is a huge leap for you. You fly through your 20 shapes, and your working on a 30 piece puzzle. I’m really pleased with your progress.’

I wanted to write one the other night, but it was late, so I put it in my phone. I’m going to share some of this.

You were due to start school nov you are not ready, I know you are not ready. Maybe it’s a mother child bond I do not know. I know your dad isn’t too worried or not on the same scale as I am. At first it was, what do I do then I had made my decision, I was keeping you home till next July. That was put into jeopardy when S didn’t know what funding hv was on about. Now what do I do. What really hit home was seeing you with E and D they stayed still, they noticed flowers, bees and planes, you were just you and ran and ran some more . Your happy running as if your in your own little world.                          Who do I really have? I can’t just burst into tears, I have to be strong. I always have to be strong. I think that’s how I can see there’s a problem. Not so much a problem a puzzle, you work in puzzles but as much as I work in puzzles and everyone’s a piece there are pieces missing, there’s always pieces missing. I don’t ever know if I’ll help you find that missing piece as I don’t know if I’ll ever find it myself. But I do know if solving puzzles will help you we’ll solve them together. What happens if you never talk, never follow instructions. At this age I can strap you into a buggy, what happens when your older? When people look, I can handle that right now later who knows!

Yes, who knows what the future will bring, for any of us. I suppose as parents we all worry for our children. I’ll be worrying when you want to go out and play, when you want to go out for your first pint!

I get told I’m over thinking these things. The what ifs, the what if I’m not strict enough, the what if I let him do his own thing too much, the what if I was different with him. The what if I can’t?

I don’t want people to read this and think oh she’s depressed, it’s not depression it’s worry. It’s the what ifs.

I’ve been told Z is a pleasure, that he’s a lovely little boy. When I have that txt to say, he’s an adorable little boy who we both are privileged to have met, and the best one is, this mother malarkey wouldn’t be half as much fun without you and Z, so thanks, it means the world!

Author:

first time mother, first time blogger

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