Okay, well, maybe not today, maybe the last few days. Just when I think I know what I’m doing and where I’m going, things get changed again. I don’t know how my head hasn’t exploded with all the who’s, what’s, where’s and when that’s been going on there. In all honesty I don’t think I’ve ever thought as much as I have! Thinking stresses me out, gives me headaches and makes me bite my nails!
Today, today was portage for Z, I don’t think I’ve taken everything in, I think it will take a while for things to sink in, that’s if things ever sink in. I’ve worried about Z since the day I decided I wanted a child. Then I worried if ivf would actually work. Then I worried if there would be any eggs, any embryos, how far they would go and if any would stick. As it happens Z stuck, he was my only transfer, there’s two frozen embies, and I suppose deep down somewhere I worry for those too. On the day of transfer, Z was obviously the choosen one, the docs picked him not me, he was the best one they had, we had, if we had gone on day three and not five I wouldn’t have Z as he was the weakest at the time, it’s crazy how things work, so yes, I believe Z was meant to be here. Most probably to make me worry! I worried the entire time I was pregnant, I worried during labour, I worried when I had to have an emergency section. So for the last four years I’ve worried, why am I not grey and a size zero I don’t know. I worried when he was brought home from hospital, I worried when he had to go back in, I worried. I think I’ll spend the rest of my life worrying.
Again, now I’m worried about school, why can’t I live in Europe where school doesn’t start until age seven? Should I even be worried about school he’s not yet three. The thing is, it’s not what school he’ll go to, if a professional said he needs to go to Hogwarts, that’s where he would go. He comes first and always have, he always will come first. I’ve learnt that my life is his, if he needs something then he’ll have it, is that bringing up a spoilt brat? I hope not. I hope he’ll not be a spoilt brat, but I think at this age he don’t know any different, it’s not as if he’s asking for these things. Maybe, when the time comes and he asks for things , then he may not get, but until I hit that bridge I’ll stay this side of it.
I over think things, I know I over think, that’s what’s driving me insane is I’m overthinking things! Things way to far in the future.
I like to plan, I like to know where I’m going, what I’m going to do, I’m an untidy person but I know where everything is, there’s some kind of structure to my chaos! So for now I feel as if I’m in limbo, I can’t plan, I can’t think I just have to go with the what ifs. Now it’s just waiting until the 21st may, a countdown, it’s not far off, something I can, hopefully say, will be helpful, maybe get a sense of where Z and I are going.
At least he’s getting his puzzle! He knows where they all go, still needs a little help, but the ones that fit into one another he’s got it!