Posted in attacking toddler, Half term, Parents

Another week over, also another month done.

This week has gone pretty quickly, suppose having a week off does. We have not achieved much this week, we’ve not been any where with the girls, no playgroups or coffee mornings as its half term. The weather hasn’t been the best either. In theory not being very far should mean a clean house, I wish! As fast as I tidy Z makes a mess. He’s just go gone to bed, I’m enjoying a wheat free ice cream cone, before I put clothes away and tidy up ready for another week! Can not believe tomorrow is the start of June, six months into the year, halfway to a new year. We decided that during the summer we are going to attempt to turn the spare room into a sensory room. This will be Z’s birthday and Christmas gift!

As I’m back to normal this week with work it means we get to go back to playgroups and see the girls, yea! Tomorrow Z is going to a kids fit class, I’m hoping he’ll enjoy it! Get him nice and tired for bed!

He’s making progress in starting to let us know who’s boss, unlucky little guy in this house I’m the boss, just ask your dad! It’s good that he’s trying, it’s at this point I have to be firm, if he had tried when he was a little younger he would’nt be so strong. The kicking and lashing out at bed time is a big one at the moment. Or if you want him to do something he don’t want to do, look out. Yes, I know that’s normal toddler behaviour, I’d rather the word no at this point, instead of the I’m going to claw your eyes out instead, just to get my point across. I’m hoping it’s a phase, these things are always phases, right?!

We hope! The whole screaming and getting him self worked right up is hard to watch, scared he will hurt himself when he throws himself backwards. But what to do, saying the word no is just adding fuel to the already lit fire. So my tactic is to ignore him. Ignore the kicking and screaming in his room, he’s safe, I know he’s safe he’s still in a cot. Maybe as he gets older I could make a jail cell in his room instead of a cot? Okay, maybe not!

Well, let’s put the rest of the ducks away, and find the green egg, if J has taken him home…….

Posted in family, Pizza, progress

A scary day followed by a quiet day!

It’s already Thursday, this week off have flown. Yesterday after Z’s hospital appointment, that he done really well at, when she could get the eye contact to see his eyes!

I decided lets go visit Barry, Z wakes and away we went.

I nearly go there when I thought I had trapped wind, then I started to get very hot. I had to pull over and lay on the floor. I managed to get me to the car park where I rang for my dad to come and collect me. I knew I wasn’t making it home. I have never felt pain like it. It hurt to breathe. I lay down on back seat of car shivering, but sweating. I not only scared myself but also G, who can’t drive. He said I lost all colour and if we were closer to home he may even have rang 999.

Went to docs today, she thinks it maybe my gallbladder and we have to keep an eye on it.

On better notes, Z have been amazing. He’s learnt to give clover the bunny hugs and hold him by the ‘hand’ to stand him up instead of laying down! I was so proud!


As we didn’t get our chips and ice cream on the beach yesterday we treated ourselves to Pizza Hut tonight.


Yes this is my gluten free one, it was lush!

Z even tasted pepperoni off G’s pizza! So again I was so chuffed!

Now it’s time to catch up with Game of Thrones!


Posted in Bank holiday, friends, lunch

Food and friends for bank holiday Monday

Bank holiday Monday, yes another one, te only difference to this one is it falls in half term so we get the week off too.

Started the morning off after breakfast by bathing the pooches, yup, two dogs bathed and dried by 10.00, including all new bedding and bed area mopped.

G took Z to his mams so I could mop the living room. So I spent the morning cleaning, washing, pegging clothes out and mopping. Why is it when I take Z out G gets to sit in a nice clean environment and relax, when G takes Z out I get to clean?!

I was meeting J and E and H for some lunch. A nice local pub lunch. So if I was going out for food I was walking. The walk up took around 40 minutes, I stopped at the shop, and stopped every time someone txt me. Can’t push uphill and use my phone! Cornedbeef pie and chips with salad was well worth the walk.  Was lush! Z ate his fish shapes, and then went to sleep! Time to walk back home, went a different way home and took around 20 minutes, plus it was all down hill!

J and E came down to play at my local park, safe to say J won’t be coming back! It’s not that bad it’s just rubbish!!

Our plan was to play ball on the football pitch, Z had other ideas when he saw the swing, and went running down the bank.


As I said, our park is rubbish, so we had to make the best out of a rubbish park, E wanted to play on the swing too, yes there’s only one!

image image

They stayed like this for ages! Both were content, not sure if this would work with anyone or just E.

Posted in Cardiff, family, Parents

A family day for bank holiday.

image            Today we decided to pop to down to Cardiff for a look about. Didn’t see much but bought Z a lava lamp!

We stopped by at frankie and bennys for lunch, I had packed Z’s iPad just incase, I’m glad I did! We had a bit of a temper because he couldn’t get monkeys jumping on the bed, but that’s because there wasn’t any internet to get you tube. A drink and Winnie the Pooh, kept him clam. He ate his pizza, laying down! Was so proud of him, he actually ate all the pizza. There was a child behind him who screamed the entire time, and got taken out for screaming!


Nothing like eating in comfort!

On the way out the worker actually said what a well behaved little boy. So chuffed!!

We tried taking him into pets at home but think being tired and not wanting to go, he ended up screaming and throwing himself on the floor. He calmed right down when he saw the fish. G wasn’t happy when a lady just looked at Z on the floor and shock her head at us. Yes love I’ll leave him there he’ll get up in a moment, if I pick him up he will throw himself back on the floor and everything will take longer!

With one little guy fast asleep, G gets to play his game for an hour, I get to write this and catch up on drop dead diva. When Z wakes we shall pop up to see J and E for a coffee!!

Posted in autism, disease, no cure, Parenting

I’m sorry, is there a cure?

Do I really look sick?

Iknow the lady didn’t mean it, but she’s not the first. She asked tonight how Z got on seeing the doctor, when I said, suspected autism, but I can’t see it changing, she was all apologetic. I’m guessing she isn’t going to be the first or the last. Her reply was, oh I’m sorry, is there a cure for that? Umm a cure? It’s autism not a disease! When I asked a family member to sponsor him yesterday, he said, oh I’m sorry I didn’t know there was any thing wrong, I hope he’ll be ok. What medication will he be on? Medication? I said no, no medication as he’s not sick. Should these comments annoy me? Anger me? At the moment I’m still dealing with things.

Is this because they are of the older generation? I don’t think for one second she was being rude as she is a lovely lady, and if she thought she had upset me she would be horrified.

So, to everybody, Z is Z, and without his quirky little ways like I’ve said before he wouldn’t be Z.

To me, when I look at Z I see a wonderful little boy. A very clever little boy, ( today I bought him a new jigsaw, okay, it only had 24 pieces but thought it would keep him quiet in church, 4 minutes it took him to complete it, yup, 4 minutes. ) what a waste of £5! But no I’ll keep it he loves Winnie the Pooh! I also see a loving little boy, he’s starting to give hugs and kisses. Z may not hit the milestones the same time as other children his age and some things he’s way ahead, just because he’s not talking it don’t mean he is stupid. But you don’t see that, you don’t see the way he does that 45 piece jigsaw, or put shapes in sorters, or the fine motor skills he has when putting pegs in the holes, all you see is no speech, and sometimes a screaming child, laying and kicking on the floor. For one moment stop, stop and stare if that makes you feel better, but actually take a moment to think.

I’m not telling you Z is an angel but he’s not a naughty child either. Take this evening for instance, we came home and couldn’t park outside the house, normally, I stop the car the music goes off, Z cries, ok Z kicks off, but I know in the time I get him out of the car and into the house, maybe kicking and screaming I can calm him down within two minutes, tonight it took at least 5. 5 minutes of crying and head hitting, why? Because I had to pick him up off the road and carry him up the street. If from just reading that little paragraph you take something away, when you see a child screaming and a flustered parent, it’s not always a naughty child or a parent who can’t cope.

I hope, when Z grows up that the world will be more understanding, a better place to be. I know the first step to that is me learning everything I can, and helping people close to us to see things the way Z sees things. Look at the bigger picture, maybe that rabbit in a hutch won’t keep his attention but, how the hutch stands up and how that door stays up may. I have no idea how Z will turn out, but I know I will do everything I can to make sure he turns out just fine.

Not sick, don’t need meds just acceptance please
Posted in best mate, Death, friends, Life


Last night I had very upsetting news, I’ve mentioned my best mate on here before, when I had the txt you up, I knew something was wrong, I was expecting an argument with her partner, not my dad has died. I’ll admit, it knocked me for six. I’ve known her dad since I was 11, I’m going on 32, that’s a long time. Now my best mates dad was a respected man, a well known man, a lovable man.

This is a bit deep for a Saturday morning, and I’ll be the first to admit it! So why did the death of a man effect me, is it coz as I say I respected the guy? Or is it it, that scary way of saying we are all growing up and this puts everything into perspective?

My nan is currently in hospital, I’ve never known my nan to be in hospital. She’s never been sick, she has dementia, what a horrible cruel disease. She don’t know anybody, she doesn’t remember her children. How sad is that? How sick and twisted is it to come into this world just seeing things to leave the world in the same way? She still has her speech, often you get no sense out of her, but for how long will this continue?  How can the brain die yet the heart keeps pumping? The organs still work? When I had my first ever scan at 4 weeks 5 days, Z’s heart was already pumping, the first organ to work, the one that eventually when it stops will kill you.

Yes, I know you are brought into this world to do what you have to do and you’ll leave the world when this has been done, we all have times, when the times up were gone. But the difference to my nan and my best mates dad is age, he was 64 my nan is 82. My nan could go on for many years, and that’s just worrying and cruel.

When people hear that Z has suspected autism and I get oh I’m sorry for that. No, that’s not something to be sorry about, loosing someone close now that’s something to be sorry about.

R.I.P   J.  xx

Posted in additional needs, autism, family, friends

A new chapter

Autism. What does the word mean to me? To me it’s somebody who likes routine and likes certain things, or does certain things. But is that all there is? I’ve started a new chapter in my life and I’m sure I’ll find the answers.

Today Z had his appointment, the one that had been cancelled before. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I didn’t really know what to expect, questions and maybe someone observing Z. I knew that he couldn’t be diagnosed at a first appointment. S portage came, and I have to say, I’m really lucky that Z and I got put with her, coz she is fab, I’m scared of the day when we have to say bye, she’s so good with Z and he likes her too. She’s the only one he’s ever cried after. Today he walked into the room catching her hand, he came out catching mine, he looked behind him, she wasn’t there he cried! I could go on about how fab our portage worker is but think I’ll get back on to my topic! So I got asked numerous questions, eating, sleeping and playing. The social side is where we struggle, other than communication. Z don’t talk, I think he’s starting to grasp that communication is a two way deal, I hope one day he’ll get there. His playing isn’t like a typical 2.5 year old playing, if he plays things get lined up, or sorted. The toy is what it is, a toy. The watering can can’t be used to make tea, it’s for watering flowers!

I got asked what I thought was the problem with Z, when I replied autism, she kind of agreed, the same as all the professionals that’s seen him. Now he waits to see the education pyscologist and we go from there. At the moment it’s suspected autism.

I’ve had a lot of people ask me how I’m feeling. I’m ok, no different to yesterday to be honest. Maybe relieved that I’ll get the help he needs. I’m glad that I’ll get help in what’s the best school for him now.  Maybe it’ll hit me in a few weeks, months or even years. When other children are doing things that maybe Z can’t or won’t do. When other children are growing up, going out and doing what children do, will Z want to do these things.

Z is Z and will always be Z, if he didn’t have his quirky little ways, well then, he wouldn’t be Z. I still love him like I did the day I found out the embryo had stuck. I’m glad that I was right. Not on the lines of see I told you, on the way of mothers intuition is very much real.

I’m looking forward to the future, my family and my mates have been incredible. NAS M have also been fantastic, there’s some wonderful people I’ve met on this journey in a few short weeks. So to see who I’ve met and whose been so helpful to me give me the motivation to go on. To believe anything is possible. I know with these people in my life I’ll make it. They are all the other end of a phone even the portage worker, who I believe today went above and beyond what is expected of her! So a huge thank you to everyone!

Posted in Kids party, park

Gold or silver ?

 Make new friends but keep the old those are silver these are gold 


Sunday, started off with J’s party, after Z’s crazy animal side on Friday, I was a little worried. But there wasn’t anything to be worried about as he was good!

Home and nap time, I caught up with drop dead diva ( I do like that!). Then as Z had a late nap, I had to take him out to get some exercise! J and E came too. Z wasn’t a happy bunny at the park. Not sure why and hope he’s not coming down with anything, he has his doctors appointment on Thursday! He seems ok now we’re home. All ready for bed. It was the first time for me to see the bench at the park. I did try and get a pic of Z and E on the bench but it’s not the best. Can’t  get two toddlers on a bench for a picture.

So if I’ve known J for a year or there abouts, does that make her a gold or silver?


Posted in Mother and son, playground, sunny

A quick trip to the park.

image                The sun came out this afternoon, Z slept down his nans last night, but was awake at 5.30, I was picking him up at 9.30, he was asleep by 10.30. He woke around 1.30. I needed to get him out even if it was for 20 minutes. So we walked to the park, it’s only a 10 minute walk if that. Well, it’s quicker walking down that back up! There’s not much to do at the parks here, a swing, slide and roundabout. Ten minutes later Z is ready to go! He walked all the way home too, all up hill.


Nope, it’s not batman it’s Z!

Posted in Death, Fanily, love

Greys, it has me thinking.

I’ve just sat and watched last weeks Greys anatomy, I love greys, I’ve always like Meredith and Derek, they’ve been there since day one. I loved private practice, the Amelia and the baby episode I cried, I was pregnant with Z, I was on my maternity leave watching that and I sobbed, I blamed pregnancy hormones as I don’t cry. Can I still blame hormones or have I just grown up ? As this episode for I’d say an hour I’ve cried. Maybe having Z have made me look at life differently? Yes, I call G rotten, but if I was put in that position what would I do?

I suppose no one can answer that. No one can answer for me or themselves. I hope I’m never in that position. Would I up and leave everything? Stay and carry on as if nothing happened? I don’t know.

I know I’d be lost, how I’d cope would be anyone’s guess, including mine as I really have no idea what I would do.

Life, it can be there and then it’s gone, it can’t come back. Maybe, I should stop shouting at G so much, ( hahaha yea right!) maybe it’s time to write a will. What would happen if it was the other way around and I was Derrick? What would G do? What would happen to Z?

As a husband and wife we’ve never discussed this, we’re in our thirties and forties, should we be discussing it? Most likely we should have something that we both should know. I do know if it was me, I don’t want flowers! Most people know this and you wear bright colours, yellow preferably! Again, think that’s common knowledge!

Back to greys, no more Dr mcdreamy, what will we do? Think it was honestly the worst episode of greys ever!! Can’t believe they done it. Who’s next?!!