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Using a book as a pillow, the life of a toddler! 

First night for Z to be in his bed tonight, he learnt in the week that he could climb out of his cot. This I wasn’t impressed with, for the reason of I had to make everything real Z safe!  When one of us is upstairs it’s ok he can’t damage himself, but left to his own devices I’m not too sure. So today, after a few nights of him climbing out of bed, I took the bars down. My baby is no longer a baby. I remember 3 years ago I was emptying the room ready  to paint it. Where have those 3 years gone. 3 years later and I get woken with a small child climbing on our bed on a Sunday morning! 

  So he’s been up there since around 6, getting used to the room, playing, getting on and off the bed. Putting his blankets on and taking them all back off. 

At 8, we said good night out him in his sleeping bag, and left. Yes, I feel bad, but keeping some sort of normal as its what we’ve always done. I’ll be going to check on him in five minutes as he’s been quiet for ten United or so.

 He should be shattered, he was up at 7.30 and haven’t had a nap, another sure sign my baby is growing up. He had his first pool party today. At first he cried, could have been because he was tired or hungry, but I believe it was because he was looking for E, I don’t think in the last year he’s gone in the water without her. But he done ok, he got there, and was running around lovely! It was really good to see a group of kids all having fun. So after we came out he cried, he knew hair washing time was around the corner! Unlucky, these things have to be done!! Then it was time to carry him out kicking and screaming. He’s used to having a drink and some crisps whilst J and I have a coffee, well without J I wasn’t sitting there on my own! A happy meal calmed him down, and with the minion inside it was a good choice!! 
So, just been to check on Z and this is how I found one small child.

Using a book as a pillow!  

As this is the first night he’s actually been sleeping by 9pm I’m going to have a nice early night myself. Was out partying with J and J yesterday, we done well, 2-10.30, what a good laugh we had! I can honestly say, as I’ve said before, where would I be without J I’d have no idea! Her and E keep us sane! Well, E have made an impression on Z anyways! 

Posted in Uncategorized

To the lady this morning thanks.

I took Z into a chemist this morning, mistake one,I walked him,  mistake two he’d never been in there before. So, after not wanting to enter, I had to carry him in, I needed my prescription! I let him lay on the floor and cry. I couldn’t hold him and comfort him he didn’t want it.  

 To the lady, thanks for taking the time to talk to me, thanks for taking the time to listen to me and take interest in what I had said. She also noticed Z doing the same ‘swimming’ actions. She didn’t judge, she didn’t judge Z crying, she didn’t judge me not picking him up or didn’t judge for me just letting him cry it out in effect. As she was leaving, she said something along the lines of, ‘ keep doing what your doing , your a fab mother.’ Thanks it actually made my day. 

 To the lady standing behind me with a pushchair, don’t stare it’s not nice! Your baby will grow into a toddler, and toddlers all toddlers not just autistic toddlers have tantrums! I’ve seen my mates kids have tantrums, so good luck, I hope your kid has a full blown tantrum somewhere exceptionally busy! 

 I got Z out by giving him a lolly, yes, toddlers and lollys, but the crunching of it calmed him down enough that I could actually pick him up off the floor!  

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Wild and free

We’ve had a lovely day today, as I said I was going to treasure my time with Z, after my doctors appointment we played in the garden. 



Just a boy, his Pringles, his hammer and his dogs! ( I think they waiting for the Pringles!) 

It was nice to watch Z run and climb and be safe. Yes the pooches had to be involved too! 

 To watch him be wild and free for a few hours, oh to be young again!  

Now to see if he’s going to eat his tea tonight, he did eat crumpets for the girls in crèche today mind so I can’t complain! 

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Gutted then excited.

Today I got asked was Z attending the open day for nursery, I said he’s no longer going to attend that school. She said she thinks I’ve made the right choice as its a big class of around 30. Z would struggle, he would get lost in the system. He would just want to run in the open space of the nursery. With 30 bodies that isn’t possible! When the words had left my mouth, even though I had been saying it for many weeks, I was gutted. Gutted for the things that were kind of planned, like I’ll never have the chance to walk him to school, or he’ll not have the chance to walk to school by himself with his buddies. I won’t be able to stand and wave him off like my mother done for me. Gutted for the I’ll see my mates children attend and do things and think that Z should have been with them. 

I drove away and thought I if I didn’t pull it together I may actually shred a tear. It was final. 

 In less than 5 minutes those tears that threatened to appear were quickly lost to excitement. The excitement of, now the possibilities for Z are endless. With a small class of around 6, he can grow. He can grow up to become any thing he wants to. He will have the correct support, he will have help he will need that he wouldn’t have gotten in mainstream. 

 School will finish in 3 weeks time, I will treasure this time with Z, when he can still be taken places, I will look forward to the summer holidays knowing I may only have that one last term until he goes to school, and will hopefully grow loads and become a pleasure like another young boy I’ve recently met. 

 So from now on the ‘gutted’ feeling, and the continuing question of my final decision can be replaced by excitement! 

Posted in autism, child, excited, Hairdresser, Parenting, Proud

Making connections 

We have had a busy weekend, we started Saturday off doing a sponsored walk, all money raised to NAS M branch.  


All Z’s playgroup buddies joined in and two ladies from the local indoor play centre. Not sure of the final amount raised yet I’m hoping my lovely friends are still getting it all in! A huge thank you to everyone who took part 💜

So today being Monday morning started off with portage, a random portage session as we even tried to cut Z’s hair! Yup, fair play to N, she arrived with scissors and Z ran! S could squirt water at him and he was fine with her, I’m sure he would let her do anything to him. 

 S boss came too and put in a load of good points, when someone asks you questions and you take a step back and someone else does the thinking for you, you can see the bigger picture. She made the connection that all Z’s foods are the same colours, roughly, other than crunchy. I don’t think I would have worked that out. I knew he wouldn’t eat anything in batter as he’ll eat fishfingers in breadcrumbs, but not batter. Apparently breadcrumbs have the crunchier texture. For dinner I cooked him his fish cakes, ( yes , in breadcrumbs!) and tried him with my free from chicken nuggets. These are in the same type of breadcrumbs, and he ate not only one but four, alongside the fish cakes. He even ate the last few cold when we got home from kids fit. To say how chuffed I am with that is an understatement! Again, it’s the smallest things. If he can have chicken nuggets and fish in his diet with fries I’ll be happy! 

 Making connections. I didn’t think Z could do this, today he proved me wrong, he always passes me my sunglasses, my sunglasses live on my head, rain or shine. Today G came in from work, he sat with his tea and picked up the iPad, Z leaves the room, bang, bang, bang later I said, ‘he’s upstairs getting your headphones’. When G sits downstairs and watches YouTube on the iPad he uses headphones. So Z had gone up found the said headphone and pulled them down, along with the ps controller! Hence the bang, bang, bang as he’s dragging them back down the stairs! He handed them to G, and tried putting them on his head. He then had to sit with these said headphones on for the rest of the hour! Every time he put them down Z quickly picked them back up. I found it so funny, but also really proud that he made that connection. 

 I wasn’t best pleased though when G left for work and Z wanted a drink, he’s started to take his cup to the bathroom if the kitchen door is closed, I heard the toilet lid bang, it’s always closed. I only found Z’s cup down the toilet, I think he wanted water!! Well, in his defence water is water! 

All these little things are proving to me how well Z is coming along. Ok, he still don’t say anything other than mam and sounds but he’s still learning, he’s starting to put things together. He’s gaining knowledge of what he wants. It’s got to be a positive thing I think. 

 Now if only my clever little guy would give in for the night and go to sleep! He’s spent the last half hour giggling to himself and now is practicing his sounds, meh, meh, meh or mam, mam, mam and ba, ba, ba oh and we’ve had yea, yea, yea! Yeah matey go to sleep! 

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Better than last week! 

Friday, it’s come around a lot quicker this week!  Very quick in fact.

 Overall this week has been so much better than last week. I had Z’s educational psychology report through already, and put the statement letter in too. Reading it through, maybe put everything into perspective I think, it’s written in black and white, what I’ve been saying , and , or feeling for months. I’m glad I’ve made that decision and now I can move on, I’m really thankful that the health visitor actually believed me and didn’t push it off to oh he’ll get there in his own time like the first two had done! When people say how bad their health visitor is, I can’t give mine enough praise and credit, as without her, I’d still be struggling the,  I think. 

 We went to the library today, Z has been going there for months now. Today he was laying down and just started crying, nothing there, no mark, but he wouldn’t open his eyes, and if he could have crawled into me I think he would have. He was trying to get under me, and when he did come around he still would not open those eyes. He’s gone straight to sleep now we’re home. I’ll have to remember to ask about it. 

 When he wakes up he’s going to see his nan, and as it’s Friday he gets his fish finger happy meal! As I’m not working I’m going to come home and clean! Yup I can’t wait, how exciting. I’m thinking if I start putting his toys away now I’ll only have to mop later and can carry on reading my book! 

 Last night we went to the monthly indoor area run by NAS M, Z really enjoyed himself, ran around smiling, even went on the equipment this time by himself. This time I wasn’t scared either! I knew faces and was much better!! How sad am I getting scared in my 30’s. 

 Tomorrow is Z’s sponsored walk, we are walking roughly 6 miles, I’ve organised it, and all Z’s playgroup buddies are joining in. I’ll take lots of pictures and I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow! 

 What ever your doing this weekend hope you all have lots of fun! 

Posted in autsim, normal, Parents

A rat got Z’s attention

I’ve not said much these past few days, well since Saturday! This week has gone much smoother! It’s already 8 o’clock on a Tuesday and I’ve not felt like  bursting into tears. Yea, go me!

Monday, it came and went to be honest, Z didn’t have portage this week so I’d already made plans  to meet with my mate so I and Z could have a play date, as it happens she had her baby in the week so we met with J, had a little cwtch and off he went to sleep! Looking at J and how small he was, or is, makes it hard to believe Z was actually smaller than that. Wow.

I dropped Z off at my mothers for the afternoon save unsettling him getting out of the car again, and he stayed until kids fit. I’m not going to lie I was scared this week, after Z’s performing last week, but, he was good. He seemed to love every minute of it. All that space to run around, he did have a go on the trampoline and I’m sure he’ll get the hang of jumping eventually. He had his little drink and then continued running around, mainly with a huge smile on his face. Think he even managed to give N a smile as there wasn’t any scissors in sight!

We then took my nan shopping and he was fab, until the last 10 minutes or so, but by that point he had just had enough! He still didn’t go to sleep any earlier!

Today, we started off at the indoor play centre, he was good as gold again, even tried giving E a kiss! I know yup, he went on to her for a kiss! Young love……

Back to creche today, good going in too, his one to one met him outside with his drink, handed him his drink in the car got him out and walked in lovely. I’m praying these strategies S put in place last week continue to work! It much better when he’s getting out of the car not attacking anyone.

After creche we popped to see my mate, her pets are rats! Yea, she has two! So I held the one, showed Z and he actually took notice, if you call trying to pull the fur off it, the rat was fine I was quick, he went back in his cage. Z did take a little bit of notice of them, this I’m chuffed with as they don’t make any noise to get his attention and it’s not as if they are huge things either!


A much better week this week, I’m hoping last week was just a phase. It’s good to know that if it’s a phase that so happens to happen again I have a good network of mates, old ones and new ones!

Posted in autism, family meal, Parenting

Corners and play doh.


Z’s new thing is corners. He likes corners. He was quiet this afternoon, this is how I found him. On my bed after pulling off the sheet, watching tales of friendship on my iPad, listening to blue ribbon bunny on his. Like is this kid for real?!

It’s my mams birthday today, so we went for a meal. Think we dealt with Z’s first meltdown. He was going really well watching Winnie the Pooh and drinking his fruit shoot. Just as food was being served he needed to get out. I think the music was turned up slightly, the lights dimmed, then a few minutes later lights off and music to celebrate some ones birthday came on. G had to take Z out, he brought him back in and my dad took him out. He did not want to be in there at all. But outside calm.

When we got home he was very quiet, he ate his pizza, and was very cwtchy, Z don’t normally cwtch, but he made sure he was squeezed In between me and the arm of the settee. As if it had totally wiped him out poor guy.

After a while he came too, he handed me the play doh, normally he don’t like it, I can take it out of the pots maybe make balls and he’ll put them back in the correct colour pots, today he was squeezing it. Holding it and trying to lick it. I was so pleased. Maybe not so much the wanting to eat it but the pulling it apart, letting it get on his hands, the whole holding it.


He didn’t have his full nap today, he didn’t want to sleep, until he fell asleep at 3.30, we were going at 4 so he had around 30 minutes sleep. I’ve just put him down, I’m hoping he won’t fight it for ages and will go to sleep. Think that’s when I watch orange is the new black, unless sleep takes over first!

Wow go me, a Saturday night, not even 8pm and I’m thinking of my bed…….

Posted in family, friends, Thanks

A little time to reflect.

I have a bit of time before I head to work. I was watching Orange is the new black, but my battery went! So I’ll keep that for tomorrow.

This week, this week I’ve had a pretty bad week. I’ll admit there were some days I really really struggled. I know I’m lucky, I have a great family and fantastic friends, some friends have been there years some a year and some a month or two. Where I would be without certain ones this week, maybe hiding out in a cave. It’s lucky I’ve not got a passport, then again I could be laying on a beach with a drink in my hand…..

Friday, yes, it’s Friday, I’ve counted down this day since 9.30 am on Monday. Now it’s here and nearly over I thought I’d spend the time looking back over my week.

I’ve been told by a few different people this last few days how strong I am, as a person as a mother. At the time I didn’t feel very strong on any of them. I was told just last night that it’s kinda like riding a wave, I’m glad I didn’t let that wave take me under and threaten to drown me. I have to look back and think, yes I’m still lucky. I’m still lucky to have Z and for all the tears I’ve shred this week, all the times I’ve said yes you can have him or I’m giving him away, I don’t mean it, where would I be without him? I’d be a little less bruised but I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t be who I am today without him, I think maybe he has made me a stronger person. I hope he’ll continue to help me. I have a lot to learn, I understand things are not going to happen over night, and these things will take time.

That little smile when I wake him up, those eyes when he comes running after creche looks right at you as if to say I am here mam. I know what he’s doing isn’t oh let’s do this and make mam cry, I’m hoping it’s just seeing how far he can push. I’ve been told there will be worse days ahead, worse weeks, at the time I couldn’t imagine that. Maybe I still can’t imagine it. Hopefully when that time comes I’ll have the same people to support me who I’ve had this week.

So to everyone of you that’s had a crappy txt of me, had that broken voice down the line I really appreciate it, more than you know, all the words of encouragement whilst sitting in the sun, or on the floor they mean so much to me and have helped stop that wave taking me under.

Posted in additional needs, autism, Hairdresser, Parenting

Who knows?

Where to start? Think every post I’ve written this week is counting down to Friday, and I’m glad it’s here tomorrow!

In all fairness today has been a much better day, Maybe the events of last week did finally catch up with me? Maybe the work we had here, maybe Z acting out did it, maybe it was Z getting a hair cut today? Who knows? I know I’m feeling much better today, so I’m guessing these little down will happen now and again.


Z went swimming today, right, he cried getting out of the car, flung himself on the floor, but as soon as I got him across the road and said, ‘okay, fine Mams going swimming, Z swim?’ I walked away, he ran after me and was great. He enjoys swimming, he likes the water, he hates the showers after but I’m sure most kids do and that’s nothing to do with autism. I still love his nemo costume and that ‘lucky’ fin. 😉

His hair cut…… Fair play what a hairdresser, N sat there patiently until we thought he was asleep on a swing! image

( Not today’s picture, but that was his position!) What a way to try and cut hair, think if he was asleep N would have been fine, but the kid knew and would not fall asleep! So, it was chase him around the house, at least she managed to tidy up the sides, coz they were getting really long..!!

Creche, S suggested a new plan yesterday in getting him out of the car and into creche, well into any place, so, his ‘home’ beaker was all ready, rang creche ahead to say we’re on our way, two staff came and got him out of the car, with his creche beaker, said it only took him four minutes to go from kicking and screaming to running around. He was fine when I rang and fine when I got back to collect him. So when I did go and get him, nearly home and I handed him his beaker saying Z, home. He got out of the car ok, just hope this works! If this works S gets owed a bottle of wine, and the girls in creche need an extra box of chocolates for keeping my sanity! Just because at one point this week I thought it was lost and wasn’t coming back!

So, today has been the best day all week, maybe because I know it’s Friday tomorrow?! No, he’s been good, it’s been easier, and I had a much better sleep last night. Here’s to even more sleep tonight and a much better day tomorrow!

Oh an a huge congratulations to my mate who had a baby boy this morning! Can’t wait for a cwtch on Monday!