Posted in autism


This post have been coming and going for days. I jot things down and then come back and try and make sense of what my mind is feeling at 3am when it’s tired! 

I’m laying here in a bed when Z is sleeping on the floor, no I didn’t put him there he’s put himself there and has been there for a few nights. I’ve moved him to bed when I’ve come up, but he cries and goes back on the floor. 

I’m guessing it’s some sort of sensory seeking thing. Cold? Hard? Smooth? I don’t know. I do feel guilty for leaving him there and for not knowing why he’s favouring the floor right now. 

I feel guilty when I don’t know what’s up with him. This past 3 days he’s had a cough, maybe he has a sore throat? His temperature is fine. I’ve tried cough medicine it didn’t work, gave some Nurofen incase there’s a sore throat, but I can’t take him to doctors and say what’s up. It could just be a cold and being male it’s typical man flu, from a very young age ! 

I feel guilty when I want to take him some place big  like say Lego land, but I know he would struggle, it would be too busy, he’d run and I could loose him. That would be my worst nightmare. 

We have to stick to a few hours out, like one day in the week we went to the beach, we were only there an hour, but Z had so much fun in the sea fully clothed! Glad I had a towel in the car and that I always carry spare clothes! 

Think G actually seen how difficult he can be when he came out of the sea soaked as Z dragged him up to his waist! 

Sometimes I feel guilty that I can’t do things like others can, but it soon passes when we do achieve something, and I keep telling myself he’s still young! 


first time mother, first time blogger

5 thoughts on “Guilty 

  1. You have nothing to need to feel guilty for! You are a brilliant Mam to Z and do so much with him (always have done). You are always out and about with him and doing things for him that you think he will like and will help further his development. Z isn’t aware of the places you can’t take him to and what other children do, only what amazing experiences you have given him and for them you should be proud.

    Z is lucky to have you as a mother 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You never know what the future holds. Even if there are places you can’t go to I’m sure you’ll make up for it by taking him somewhere more suitable. It doesn’t matter where other children go it’s that you actually make an effort to take him places, never knowing how he’ll react and how hard it’s going to be for the both of you. You do everything you can do to make things easier and more enjoyable for you both and that’s all that you can do! That’s all that matters.

        Liked by 1 person

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