Posted in autism

Days don’t always go to plan.

We didnt really have plans as such today, was sort of going to meet the girls at a local fun day, then plan from there.  We had been given tickets yesterday to enjoy three things there free of charge, so the idea was be there at opening when it was quiet as it does get busy. 

Mistake number one, walking Z, mistake number two forgetting Z’s drink, mistake number three thinking I could do it all nice and calm with an injured aching foot. ( had to chase Z yesterday up the beach barefoot which made it ache way more than it had been doing!) 

The first time I’ve given up and walked away. I’m guessing now I’ve done it once I’m either going to give up completely or think it’s ok to give up. 

It was a disaster from the start. Whilst the lady is trying to form fill Z didn’t want to wait, then he didn’t want to leave the room where he was lining beads up. Get to the inflatable obstacle course and he didn’t want to do what ever he wanted to do two seconds previously. Right, shoes on bouncy castle next. 

Now the castle was in his school yard, last time he was here he was going to school. So another fail on my part. As he’s trying to run on the wet grass, he refuses to put shoes on without socks, so had to put wet socks on as by this point my patience was at an all time low. You really can’t run on tip toes, or whilst limping. 

Tried to see the birds and do painting or anything and all he done was throw himself on the floor. How I didn’t walk away and leave him I don’t know. Maybe because deep down I knew he was possibly struggling way more than I was, even though it still wasn’t very busy. 

It’s in that moment when you know you can’t keep him out as he obviously don’t want to be there. He didn’t understand that if we kept walking I could have bought him a drink. There’s only so much picking a small person up off the floor you can do whilst trying to keep it together, the tears wanted to escape, not sure if it was the pain in my foot making it one hundred times worse. I couldn’t have put him on my back because of my foot, I wouldn’t have wanted to fall and hurt him. 

When your leaving then see the health visitor  and that one sentence, ‘hey, how are you?’ You know is going to be the icing on the cake, and if you stay and try to chat, it’s not going to end well, so try to answer whilst picking small child up from the floor for the millionth time that it’s ok, you can’t stop as this is his reaction and you’ve hurt your foot so your leaving. 

I’ve never been so relieved to see the car! The shiny turquoise thing that you know you can get your sanity back, the place you can sit, give Z his drink, and say your never trying this again, ever!                When it sinks in that it don’t matter how much you try to fit in with the girls your never going to.                                              That is reality, yes, I’ve known that day was going to come, but so soon?!

For the rest of the day I’m doing nothing, nothing at all. I may venture out to get a bandage to strap my foot and see if that helps. I can’t even eat lots of chocolate to make up for the fact I’m feeling very sorry for myself! 

Z makes it all better when he just comes on over gives the most beautiful smile, reaches over to give a kiss as if to say everything is ok mam! 

Plus actually eating a sausage roll! 

Author:

first time mother, first time blogger

2 thoughts on “Days don’t always go to plan.

  1. You are way too hard on yourself. We all have had exactly that moment, the sod it! Never again! Lets all just go home. I am sure if your foot had been OK it would have been different, pain really does take all resilience away. I hope it gets better soon and you are a fantastic mam. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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