Posted in autism

I’d love not to worry. 

When you get asked to go to a different soft play place on the weekend and I say maybe, chances are no I won’t be there. Yes I feel bad for not going as its a little get together for E’s birthday. But I’ve not been joining in at this said place like Everyone else have been the last few weeks as I’ve had surgery. I’m not fully recovered enough to carry Z, to have to explain Z to strangers. That is why I think I like the safety of the places we normally go. Trying different places with nas is different as everyone is in the same position as I am. 

All children preform, all children have temper tantrums leaving places. But Z may have the ‘temper’ going in. Even though we have been to this soft play before it was over a year ago. From what I can remember he didn’t mind the place he just ran, he didn’t really play on the equipment there just hung about by the door. This was before his diagnosis. When we tried another soft play a few weeks before he broke up for school holidays he didn’t really settle. Was it the noise on the bowling pins at the side or just the sounds of a new soft play, again he didn’t play on the equipment.

Now it’s do I take him Sunday and hope for the best, hope he’s ok and has fun, or upset him and chance it and we have no sleep on Monday night? I won’t be able to carry him. It’s ok to pick him up for a photo, or to help him see something but I wouldn’t be able to carry him out of a soft play place kicking and screaming. We’ve not built up any kind of routine on a weekend yet, think the only thing that has stayed the same is his drum lesson. But this Saturday I’m helping my dad, so won’t be about, this hasn’t affected him before, but after me not being here for surgery who knows what will happen! 

I’m only this week getting off antibiotics for the second time, my stomach has still be weeping after doing too much.

I understand it looks like I’m pulling a fast one, just not turning up. 

To just think how easy it would be to be able to go places and not panic will it be to busy, how will he react, how will other people react when he’s running, the looks you get when you say ‘let’s change your bum’, you have this nearly 4 year old still in nappies not talking you get looked at. He’s too big to be changed on a nappy changing unit, how clean is the floor? Yup, that’s another thing I have to worry about, would you be happy to let you kid lie on the toilet floor? 

Sometimes I’d love to be in that posistion to say yes I’ll be there and really not have to worry about anything. Be able turn up and not worry about how clean the floors are. Not worry about anything. 

But I can’t, I have to worry about these things, Z is mine, I’m the one who talks for him, I’m the one who makes sure the area is safe, I’m the one who knows Z. 

So when an hour is just an hour to some it’s not to Z, imagine hating something so much and being locked in a room with that one thing you hate how long would that hour feel like? 

I’m lucky that he was so good on Saturday when we went to a wedding, he played with his numbers for an hour and half, ate his crisps and played with his iPad. 

 I have three days to make my mind up, J understands if I’m not there. But I suppose that’s why she’s my mate! 

Author:

first time mother, first time blogger

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