Posted in Instagram

What small eyes see.

Whilst checking what Z was doing on his iPad, like I do as a sensible parent! I like to see what photos he’s taken. 

I was going to upload these on to Instagram, then thought why not have a little community going. 

So starting on Wednesday February 1st, I’m inviting everyone to upload a picture that the children have taken, some are accidentally some know what they are doing, all welcome to 11 years of age. I’m going to put a cut off Age as I feel after 11 children are so tech savvy that they’ll put my own photos to shame! Not that mine are amazing or anything! 

When you have  added your photo to Instagram use the hashtag #whatsmalleyessee and each week I’ll choose my four favourite pictures . 

This is open to all public Instagram accounts, and linking up will give me permission to use my favourites each week for Instagram. I won’t use them anywhere else. 

I look forward to seeing all the lovely pictures your little ones have taken! 

Posted in A's view of the world, A's view of the world

Caerphilly spy trail 

For this week’s blog I decided to write about mother and toddler group and Caerphilly spy trail. 

 I had loads of fun doing the trail because I went with my mam and dad, but we didn’t manage to finish it because we ran out of time. I took loads of pretty pictures and we did loads of walking. It was a nice sunny day to go walking and we even stopped off for a welsh cake and a hot drink. I love doing the trails with my mam and dad and we may try again. One of the turrets on the castle were leaning and it looked like it would collapse. 

In mother and toddler group we made butterflies using a popsicle stick and love heart shapes. The kids had fun colouring the wings and sticking on googley eyes which was my favourite part too.

Posted in ivf

Five years ago. 

This one is a little bit different from me, other different posts I’ve published on other blogs. This one is part of me, in turn maybe effecting Z, so felt now was a good time to start writing as it’s five years to the date I  since I started my ivf journey. I remember that hospital appointment well, worried they were going to say no as I’d gained a stone from the pill they put me on six weeks before. My appointment was 3 o’clock and all I’d eaten were a few baby tomatoes from the father in laws allotment! 

As I’ve said Z is an ivf baby. I’m very lucky it worked first time. He’s four now and people are starting to ask oh when’s the next one? When I reply oh he’s an ivf baby, I get looks of oh I’m sorry, or I didn’t know, or others say do you have any frozen. 

I have two frozen, sitting there chilling on ice. After Z was born I said never again, I’d never go through the panic that was Z’s birth story. Never. 

If I didn’t have two frozen the answer would still be never. I’m happy with Z. He’s challenging enough! I feel that I’m lucky enough that if Z needs something I can go get it, if I wanted to take Z on a holiday, if I saved I could afford it and take him. Could I do that with another one possibly two? 

Then it comes to defrosting. The way I look at it I have another two children, Z has two siblings. I’ve always said I’d never hide the fact that Z was an ivf baby, when the time comes in many many years for the talk about the birds and the bees we have the and you can be made like you were! What happens if I don’t defrost and Z says why? Why didn’t you give me a chance of having a sibling. I won’t have an answer to that. The answer well I put you first isn’t going to cut it! 

My answer right now is I want to defrost them, well I feel I have to do what’s right and that’s giving them a chance at life.  But when is that the right moment, right now it’s not. Right now I’m not emotionally ready, I feel you have to be emotionally ready as if I’m not and if don’t  work I’ll always blame myself. Ivf is an emotional journey in itself, how people can do it over and over again takes courage. 

Then I have the decision of defrost one or two? I’ve always said it would be the two I can’t pick one if they both successfully thawed. I couldn’t. If it worked and I had twins, again I’m not ready for twins! I don’t think my parents are ready for three kids on a Friday night! Then I loose my child free evening! See priorities here! 

So right now isn’t the time, Z is learning so much right now, would having one or two babies possibly make him regress in any way? Some people say the best thing they done was have another it brought the child out of themselves. I can’t take that risk, at the moment Z comes first he has to come first. Then I feel guilty what happens if I defrost, Z is always going to come first with his needs, is it wrong to bring in another child who could possibly always come second? Will miss out on things because Z can’t cope? What happens if the one or two have autism ? What happens if they are harder work than Z is? 

So many questions left unanswered. 

Right now I want to loose the weight I’ve gained since having Z, do I really want to put it all back on with another baby,  that makes me sound so shallow I know that, but I need to loose the weight to chase after Z. To keep him safe, but older I’m getting not younger. 

Posted in Adventures, Days out.

Sunday  morning walk through the woods! 

We’ve not been on an adventure with J and E for a while, last place was Garwnant a few weeks ago.

Today we stayed local and headed to the park. We walked the woods, worked out at around a mile, not bad. Wasn’t a fast paced walk in just happy Z walked it. There was a few times he tried getting on my back but as I was wearing a yellow jumper I didn’t even put the back carrier on! There were a lot of bangs, I think this is what unsettled him, maybe even fear of the unknown? E could ask questions of where we going? What are we going to see, for Z it’s always a mystery. 

We walked along fallen trees, we went through muddy patches and frosty patches. 

E looked for bears in the gaps of the woods! No we didn’t find any! 

What we did find was our way to the park. He couldn’t understand why he couldnt play in the water, not that there was any water! He did have fun on the climbing frame, the park was lovely and quiet well it would be on a damp cold cloudy day! 

Posted in autism

Spoilt or as I like to call it making choices! 

Today we headed to ikea to get a few odds and ends, we love ikea and if I could have an ikea house I would! As we’ve been to ikea so many times Z if fine with the place. It happens that everytime we’ve gone it’s not been really busy. First thing in the morning, perks of being awake early, or later on in the evening. We always get chips and he’s happy enough looking at himself in all the mirrors! I bet he would like the soft play there but I’m not brave enough to leave him! Today we watched the digger whilst eating chips. 

As ikea is in Cardiff, I’m rubbish with my directions and if I’m heading for smyths toy store I end up at toys r us! Today after ikea we stopped by smyths I knew that one after making many mistakes before! 

Normally Z will come in, either run away or scream and it’s back out. Today he walked up and down each isle, after lining all the pigs up first. He took everything in, he stopped, he picked things up, he inspected them and put them back. He didn’t put back a vehicle from bob the builder, he had two and they weren’t being left. He handed me the one as if to say yea, open, I know I get to keep it! He stopped at another one where cars become  dinosaur some vetch toy, after looking at them all he took the dinosaur one.  He continued to walk up and down them until the last one, he got half way up turned around and headed to the check out. At the checkout were surprise eggs. So his toys went on the floor as he tried to unwrap the egg. We managed to get him to the checkout with his three toys and egg, he really didn’t want to give any of them up. 

It was mad that all we could hear were other parents saying we’ll pick one, or no you’re not having that one too. Both the husband and I walked around with a huge smile on our faces, this was the first time Z took any notice of any toys, never mind carry some that he wanted. Maybe if they were all £20 toys we would have put some back but all three came to around £20 so we let him off. He smiled the whole way around, like a kid in a toy shop should. 

We opened them when we got home, he insisted on carrying them from the car, and he’s played with them all day. They maybe a one day wonder but I’m so proud that he actually picked them. He got what he wanted. They’ve been lined up all around the house and all his vehicles have been found and are all together with his new ones. 

So others may say that I’ve spoiled him I’ve bought him more toys that he may never play with but I call it making choices, life lessons! He was so pleased with himself the grin said it all.

Posted in A's view of the world, A's view of the world, Uncategorized

Brecon, and a snow walk. 

Murder mystery trail

For this week’s blog, I decided to write about the murder mystery trail I did on Tuesday. I went with my mam and dad at lunch time and the trail was in Brecon. The treasure trail went right around the town and I took some pictures of swans and ducks in the canal. By the canal there were six home-made welsh cakes for sale, so we bought some for when we were walking. I enjoyed the welsh cakes because they were sweet and tasty. It was fun to do and I enjoyed solving the mystery. Before we left Brecon my dad took me into the works and we bought pencils and a yoda writing book.


Mother and Toddler group

In mother and toddler group we did paper plate fish which the children personalised with paint and googley eyes. All the children had fun using different colour paint and sticking on loads of different shaped eyes.


Walking with my mam

In the week we had some snow so me and my mam went walking and we took photos of our foot prints and writing in the snow.


Posted in autism

How to be a crappy parent

I think this week and lack of sleep Z has officially tried to kill me off. 

Last Sunday night he woke at 10.20 didn’t go back to sleep until 4.45 and were up at 7 for work. Yes, I sent him to school. Monday afternoon he came out with spots. Had him at the doctors, doctor said it was viral and he was fine, the cold weather was making his face chap, bacteria was entering and those few spots were the answer. 

That’s how the first part of my week went, I was tired and snappy. Z who was also tired was grumpy but was happy to scream when going to bed. 

By Wednesday I just wanted to sleep, I was so tired I was cold, I’m never cold! I called it a night at 5pm. Z woke through out the night how I crawled my way into his room I’m not sure! I knew I had a temperature, my eyes stang and I was dizzy standing up and looking around. Think it may have been my first sick day for me being sick. I couldn’t drive myself never mind kids! 

Z went to school I went back to bed where I stayed, my throat was sore I didn’t drink just slept. I think in 24 hours I got in 19 hours of sleep. I didn’t really see Z, just left his gate open so he could run in which he did. Friday I was at the doctors and had antibiotics for an inner ear infection, my throat had swollen, high temp of nearly 40, high heart rate and showing first signs of dehydration. So I drank some liquid and tried watching tv I made an hour and went back to bed and again I slept.  

Saturday night Z decided he wasn’t sleeping it was 10.00 he was kicking off, crying screaming and throwing a fit, what did I do just shout. The poor kid hadn’t really seen me, I wasn’t there taking him to school or picking him up and I screamed at him to get to bed. He cried, I cried, I felt guilty. So I went in and he came and slept in bed with me. 

We woke and went to soft play, I was safe taking him there he couldn’t run away from me or do any damage. We’ve had a good day. 

Bedtime and the worst meltdown I think we’ve had. He kicked,he screamed, he attacked, he threw himself about. I was worried he was going to miss the mattress and catch his face on the bed, or miss the bed altogether and hit the floor, I managed to get him on the bed with his blankie, using my weight to hold him sitting up to calm him enough to lay him down and apply pressure within five minutes he was asleep. 

Until, 2am when he woke, ran into spare room, dad went too then he came to me, I think he would have gone but some idiots dragged the police helicopter out, it’s finally gone after nearly 2 hours. I gave up and out Z into his room, he cried. Then he got over his bed and into window, I shouted and I hit his hand. I don’t hit him, I may scream like a banshee ( then feel guilty) but I don’t hit him. I’ve tried tapping his hand before it didn’t work I didn’t try again. Tonight was a little harder he said ow and cried, now yet again I’m feeling guilty. I’m tired, I have a headache, my neck still hurts, if it were just me I’d still be in bed getting better but it’s not, my son needs me. I know that’s not an excuse for hitting his hand, what happens if he fell and hit his head on the bed? Thought the blind had stopped him getting into the window, it hasn’t so tomorrow the guard will have to go up. But I need to get better In order to care for him safely, when I’m down things don’t get done. The husband don’t drive, he can’t go and do a food shop, he don’t think of doing a wash, he thinks Z’s clothes are an unlimited supply, and I’m sure he thinks the fairies come to clean! 

It’s 4.20 Z is still awake, I had to stay up till 10.30 for my antibiotics so I’m saying I was sleeping by 11 so 3 hours sleep maybe 2 more when he finally goes. There’s only so long anyone can go on like that for before crashing like I have, but how many times do you get to crash? 

Posted in A's view of the world, A's view of the world

New year, new me! 

For this week’s blog, I decided to write about the hats I have made on my pink loom. It was super easy and so much fun to make, and I also made one for my sister. I used 1 full ball of chunky, cream wool and a medium sized loom and a special hook. Hopefully if we have snow it will come in handy and that way I can get more use out of it.

 I am hoping that I will start taking more photos like I did for the December challenge but only 1 photo a week so you can know what I’m up to.
Over the holidays I haven’t done much because of Christmas and the new year which funnily enough brings me on to my new year resolutions. I have started walking with my mam at night everyday so that I can achieve one of my goals. My biggest goal this year is to go up to Pen Y Fan with my sister and my dog Andrex, but it will take a lot of training and a lot of phone space!
Another one of my goals this year is to try and make more cakes so I can become better at them. There are a lot of things I want to achieve this year such as my learning skills and my photography. Here are 2 of my photos from my loom and hat. 



Posted in autism

The not so good things about autism.

I’m tired, yet again Z is awake I’ve not been to bed it’s 2am. The less sleep he gets the less he needs the wilder he gets we have a vicious circle. He fell asleep last night at 5.30 woke at 8 went back around 12 up for 7.30. He’s tired, I don’t know if he’s unwell he’s crying but he’s tired. He’s falling asleep and waking himself up, then laughing and babbling. 

But of course he’s clever so that’s bound to take away all the negative stuff right, wrong. 

I hate the fact that I’m so tired, when I’m tired I’m horrible, my patience goes and I shout. I feel guilty then that all I do is shout because he can’t help the fact that he don’t need as much sleep as his mother with her dodgy underactive thyroid. I don’t do 2 am bed times ever not even after a drink. It’s the lack of sleep is I think the hardest, the knowing I’ll be going about my day on 4 hours sleep, the patience I’m not going to have. The guilt I’ll feel for not having patience to deal with the crying when he comes home from school. Yup he’s going to school, I have work. 

I struggle when I don’t know what he wants, when I can’t cater to his needs because I don’t know what those needs are. He can’t tell me what’s wrong or what he wants not like your typical four year old. He can walk to the bathroom and I’ll know he wants water. But when he’s crying and stamping his feet is he unwell or just crying because he don’t want to sleep? I was getting good at the signs and symptoms of a ear infection but the last one caught me out. Again he’s laying down but waking himself up,does he have a ear infection? Does he have a sore throat or has he just got a cold and feeling sorry for himself? I hate not being able to know. 

 When your taking your four year old out he looks four but some part of him mentally are still two, he needs constant supervision, he sees no danger, he doesn’t understand why he can’t do what he wants to do. Why can’t he run everywhere? Why when a loud car passes he throws himself on the floor, regardless if it’s the road or pavement. 

Another is the routine, yes we all like routine but the fact that we can’t change a room around, we could but it’s not worth the unsettlement it will cause. We can’t really be spontaneous and head out for food one evening as it has to be someplace Z has been before, we need number and letters, his iPad and headphones. We can’t move the car, because then that starts the next day off badly if it’s in the wrong place. 

Food. I know not all children with autism are fussy eaters but Z is, I wish he would eat anything and everything but for now we have to stick to the same things, he will try something new when he wants to, everything on his terms. We’re back to a short selection of food.

Suppose it all goes back to needs, Z’s needs are higher than your average two year old. Things like getting dressed, changing nappies, doing everything for him. Finding shoes, putting them on him, it really is like having a giant baby. A strong baby when he starts kicking off. 

Others complain their children weren’t babies long enough Z has been a baby for four years. With him being so small born he was a baby baby for a long time, he may have grown but it’s still like looking after a baby. I still don’t know what’s the matter when he cries, I’m still is it is he hungry ? Is it wind? I’m still playing that guessing game at 2 am in the morning. 

Ok, I may laugh and joke that at least I’m not getting the back chat off a 4 year old that everyone else seems to be getting, but if happily take the back chat for a nights sleep!  Yes, I’ve thought of medicating him, but it only helps put him to sleep, not keep him asleep, at least I know when he’s up 2am he goes back by 5 , would medication stop that? 

Posted in Uncategorized

Happy birthday! 

I can’t believe it’s been three birthdays I’ve celebrated with you, and I can’t even find a tidy picture of us! 

To believe we met at the doctors surgery when you just started randomly talking to me, and now you can’t live without me! 

We’ve had laughs, we’ve had disagreements we’ve had very small arguments and recently mixed signals. But I know what ever happens you know far too much about me I can’t just leave you there! 

This last 3 years we’ve drank lots of coffee, eaten lots of cake and drank lots of vodka. We’ve visited farms, parks, soft plays and beaches, with the odd pub in the mix. 

If you hadn’t started randomly chatting away to me I’d have never have known your existence and Z wouldn’t have a best mate, so publicly I’d like to say thank you. You know me, you know I ain’t lovey dovey, I don’t do kisses on my texts I don’t do hugging, but I can say thank you! 

Happy birthday J, looking forward to having a few vodkas, more laughs and visiting more places. 

See you’re glad you started randomly talking to me so you can be publicly thanked a nice post just for you! 

So let’s hit town, let’s drink a few vodkas, and as it’s your birthday  you really do need a sambucca shot! 

Then here’s to a few random cocktails one Saturday night!