After discussing this over breakfast this week I thought I’ll write this as I’ve never actually told my story and if course it’s a huge part of all our lives.
I’ve never hidden the fact Z is an ivf baby.
Before having Z of course I read, I researched, I looked at all ivf options, I was prepared.
But mentally are you ever prepared?
You go through tests, very invasive tests at that! To have to be at a healthy bmi, no smoking and no drinking. You can prepare your body, you can take vitamins, eat healthy, exercise and take the folic acid. But mentally will you be prepared?
The emotional part of ivf is hard. You read success stories, you see ivf babies and you get excited. Then you read and you see the heartache, the failed attempts, the ones that didn’t make it or the miscarriages after.
That part you don’t think of, you get blown away with maybe excitement do you dare to be excited? The what if it don’t work just sitting on the edge. But you go through with it anyways.
I done it all alone, I didn’t tell anyone, other than the hubby of course. Possibly if I didn’t need to have the time off I wouldn’t have told anyone! I would have Just gone into labour, oh by the way here’s Z!
I often ask myself why I never told anyone to start, honestly there isn’t an answer. It’s my business. No one else’s. There’s also the whole I was raised a catholic it’s forbidden what would my Nan say?! Yup my Nan the one that still active in the church, I’d heard many conversations that scientists shouldn’t play god how would she react?
So we had all the tests, was told I didn’t meet the criteria I needed to loose around half a stone. That was my mission, wedding was arranged and that’s when I then told family, why the wedding was being brought forward. I was going for ivf.
The appointments, the scans, the injections, I remember the first night, the needle in my shaking hand. I couldn’t do it! No I had to do it. I did it! Little bruises over my belly, looking like a little pin cushion. More appointments, more scans. Then the next round of meds. Of course I had to be the one to have the allergic reaction so more appointments and more scans.
This is when I was told it would be cancelled, I was producing too many follicles on each ovary, it was too dangerous, I had ohss. To go home, wait for a call but be prepared that was it for a few weeks until my body calmed down.
That drive home, the deflated feeling, all this work for nothing feeling.
The call, come down straight away, we’re doing egg collection tomorrow. Tomorrow not three days away, tomorrow.
The nerves I felt that day, I bit every nail down, I wanted to cry, looking back I was terrified. How can you show these drs your so scared you can’t. You do as they say, you agree that’s their job this isn’t my territory.
18, that’s how many eggs they collected. I left have drugged up, not knowing anything until they would ring the following day. That night was spent thinking how many survived? Did any survive.
The following morning when your sat waiting for a call, it could be any time. Will you be the first person they call? Will it go in alphabetical order surname begins with a C that’s gotta be pretty close to the front right?! Again nerves.
11 that’s how many made it. 11. 1 didn’t fertilise, 6 didn’t make it past the twelve hours. Now was the next waiting game. Because there were so many, we were having a day 5 transfer, waiting for blastocyst stage. The 11 embryos would be checked on day 3, if there were only a few left they’d ring and I’d have to go down, if I heard nothing I was to go on day 5.
Day 3, no phone call, when is too late to ring? When do they check? No phone call good news right? How can those 5 days be so long.
Day 5, I couldn’t bite those nails any more there went any. I remember being called into the room, the dr explaining what would happen. They didn’t know how many survived until they went to look. Again more waiting. Did any survive.
6 that’s how many made it. 6 embryos, I was advised to transfer 1, after ohss my body may not cope with 2, safety reasons have 1. That’s what the dr said that’s what I done, it’s their job they know what they are doing. If I had gone on day 3 it wouldn’t have been Z it would have been a different embryo, one that didn’t make it to day 5, Z on day 3 was the weakest link, he wouldn’t even have been considered, yet on day 5 he was the strongest, the one on day 3 didn’t make it to day 5.
Being led in to that room and seeing the embryo on big screen, that’s my baby. I watched them insert Z on the screen a little flash of lightening and that’s it’s all done! Go home, rest, do what you want you can’t pee it out, and when you stand up it won’t drop out!
Again you then have that 2 week wait. 2week wait is hell.
Of course you know it worked I have Z to tell the tale. I’m a success story. I’m that 1 in 4. I’m lucky.
What happens after though? You have your bundle of joy 9 months later. Everyone says oh time for another.
No not yet, I’m not ready. What I mean is I’m not mentally ready not emotionally ready.
But what do I do with the 2 remaining?
I couldn’t just give them up for adoption, ( donation!) they are Z’s siblings. They could look the spit of him. They were all conceived the same day, to me they are triplets! I couldn’t just hand them over for research either. That’s the part that doesn’t get talked about. I’m lucky I have 2 frozen, I’ve always said when the time comes to defrost it would have to be the 2 I couldn’t chose between them. What happens if I chose 1 it worked financially I’d never afford to go through it all again. I’d be leaving 1 all alone. I couldn’t do that.
How about those people who have lots frozen? People pay just to keep them in storage as they can’t decide what to do.
Do we destroy, give away to research or for donation. It’s hard. To be put in that position.
So ivf is not only mentally challenging to start with it’s always at the back of your thoughts the what ifs.
Ours stay frozen for a few more years I believe, I hope, I’ve not looked into it, I’m not ready to make that decision yet.