Posted in autism

The days I hate autism

Are the nights like tonight when at 4.30 I’ve had no sleep.

I’m tired I’ve got a headache and I have work tomorrow. After not actually getting any sleep tonight and having tea at 4,30 I’m now starving. I have an alarm set at 7 and now I’m so over tired I don’t even know if I’ll even get to sleep. I’m debating getting up but I know that by 5 Z will go back to sleep 2 hours have to be better than none? Right?!

I’ve lost all patience at 4 am where I’ve shouted. To see Z’s terrified face shocked me, and I didn’t want him going to sleep with that as his last memory of me. But I still shouted, I’m not proud but tiredness makes me shout. He gets silly, wound up when he’s tired. His climbing and jumping is bad enough when he’s not tired. But when he’s tired and he’s throwing himself into his bed it gets too much. That’s when accidents happen, he’s ran dived in his ed and caught his head, luckily it’s not like last time where he caught his eye and has the small scare to show for it.

It’s not the tiredness like a newborn stage when you haven’t got to rush about can leave them lay to have a coffee etc not Z can’t leave him alone. When we’re running on lack of sleep it’s the silly things like leaving the kitchen door Unlocked then we have washing powder everywhere or the bathroom door unlocked and we have a small flood and toothpaste squirted everywhere. It’s the fact that he’s into everything, climbing everything, just last week he was on the wardrobe trying to jump onto the bed. Constant following, no time to turn off mentally never mind physically.

What happens when he runs us into the ground? Who will look after him then? I suppose when you read research and it says that parents of children with additional needs, ( autism is a big one) are often sick, have no time for partners then end up single, it has to be from exhaustion.

Constant trying to tidy up after a mini tornado is draining in itself, never mind on no sleep. Tomorrow I won’t feel like mopping the floor, but I have to that sticky patch from maybe cake ain’t going to clean itself. Or put the cleaner around ‘coz someone got the washing powder again and cave put it on when he’s here.

Then it’s pick up all his toys from every room upstairs for them to be tipped out in a different place.

I understand people say all kids are the same but no he’s nearly 5 at nearly 5 I’d be expecting him to at least pick up after himself, listen after the millionth time not to touch the washing powder, and trust him enough in one room not to attempt to climb out of the window.

So yes tonight or this morning I hate autism I hate the tiredness it brings, I hate the fact at 4.40 my son is screaming crying ‘coz I shouted at him nearly an hour ago, I hate the fact he’s tired and can’t get to sleep. Then I hate it that in 2.5 hours I have to wake him for work for school. I hate the fact that it turns me into a raging loony.

I know hates a strong word but tonight I do. It doesn’t mean for one second I hate Z, I don’t. It’s the same as someone hating cancer, tonight I hate autism.

Author:

first time mother, first time blogger

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