Posted in ivf

Infertility awareness week.

To be honest I think working where I was at the time was how we knew. Working as a nanny for a gynaecologist you just start chatting away. Was asked did I want children in the future etc, conversation most probably went umm not too sure, I suppose so when I’m a bit older ( I was what 26, but to me if I decided to have a baby at 28 it would be easy right?!) but I’ve heard I’ll have to have tests as it’s harder with an under-active thyroid.

She said to have tests now I can remember bloods at day 21 and to tell them that we’ve been actively trying for 3 years, until you’ve been trying for 3 years you won’t get any help and being past 25 they’d help.

Reluctantly off I went for bloods, yup all fine. Next up tube tested and the partner tested.

We had the results of the sperm test and before the doctor had told us I’d already taken the results to my ‘boss’! I was prepared, she said we’d actually need ivf and she would bet her money they’d suggest icsi. Now all this came as a surprise. A few weeks previously I wasn’t even thinking of having a baby, now I knew it was something I may never have I wanted it! So off we went to drs again, who sent us to another hospital and had all the tests again. All the same answers came back and we were referred to Cardiff Ivf. The wait here was ages! I think from referral to first appointment was around 18 months, in this 18 months there were so many baby’s born, something I’d never notice before.

18 months later and I was classed as obese, I couldn’t go any further until I lost two stone to get into a healthy bmi, said we’d roughly have 9 months before they would call us again.

We left gutted. I was gutted, 9 months to loose 2 stone it wasn’t going to happen. We left the hospital and went straight to the registry office with a date to get married. 7 months I now had to loose most of the 2 stone.

7 months I tried, I joined slimming world and walked everywhere. Best of all everyone thought this was to loose weight for the wedding, still no one knew we were going down the ivf route. Not that I felt ashamed in any way but what if it didn’t work, what if I didn’t loose the weight in time.

August came and we got married, November came and we had our appointment I made the weight! Think it was just about.

We were told that we’d go down the icsi route, so they would stimulate my ovaries and I’d have egg collection before they would fertilise each egg with an individual sperm and hopefully have embryo transfer 3-5 days later.

I left social media, during 2011 from January – September I knew of a baby being born. I couldn’t stay and watch scans and baby’s growing up. No explanation just one day went!

They put me on the pill for 6 weeks, during this time I gained a stone, I was terrified going back a stone heavier but they said some do gain on the pill not to worry, next up would inject every day, this would be to stimulate the ovaries to produce follicles. I was scanned every other day. It nearly all got cancelled I had ohss ovaries were producing too many. But we went ahead a few days earlier than planned.

18 eggs were removed, 17 fertilised that same day, the following day, 11 survivors, they advised a day 5 transfer as we had so many, and ohss, that was it wouldn’t know any more until we got there on day 5. The wait was torture the not knowing. Day 5 and 5 survived, 5 from the original 11. 2 of those wouldn’t be considered they’d give them another day to see if they’d make freezing. Z was transferred and 2 were frozen, the other 2 didn’t make day 6.

And here we have Z, who’s made me worry since day 1! Who’ll continue to keep me worried, if we had gone for a day 3 transfer Z would have been the weakest and wouldn’t have been considered. So thankful we had a day 5.

I’ll always be grateful for working for the gynaecologist and for her telling me to get tested, and explaining everything too me. If it wasn’t for her Z wouldn’t be here my journey would only just be beginning, maybe I’d have gotten some answers myself by the time I’d hit 30 a year after Z was born but who knows? I know I wouldn’t be where I am anyways.

I know infertility is a lonely journey, to see other people having baby after baby, smoking and drinking whilst pregnant. When your sat in that waiting room you see all sorts, professional looking people to sporty people and scruffs like myself !

Posted in autism


When you say you’re having respite, other Sen families get it straight off, others not so much. You kinda get looked at as if to say well I manage alone, or really, you wanted a kid you should be looking after them! I know that’s what I would have said pre Autism days!

I never wanted to leave Z with anyone, I still won’t. I’ll only really ask someone to have him if stuck. Then there’s only certain people who I’d leave him with anyways.

But for some families respite is really the only chance they have to maybe do nothing, to clean or even sleep, to head to the doctors or meet with a friend for a coffee. I know the first time Z went I was Ill, I slept. I was so relived to be able to sleep.

Second time I had a clean third time I went out!

After the week we’ve had this week I think he was relieved to be going out with his pa tonight. It’s only 1.5 hours a week ideally for me to go to Nordic Walking, last week I headed to the theatre and tonight I’m doing nothing! I’m going to eat food in peace and not on the stairs, I’m going to put my washing to dry and then the 1.5 hours will be gone it’s not like it’s an Day and half! I’ve spent today cleaning so I can sit and do nothing before picking him up and going to soft play!

Luckily his pa will take him anywhere and do anything, today they are going to enjoy a hot tub! What a life right…..

But for me the 1.5 hours are enough to stop, think and reset for when I get him back!

Posted in autism

Bed time meltdown

Every night I have the sleep performance the screaming the bed refusal the hysterical sobbing this has been going on now for 40 minutes tonight but we’re into week two.

I’m shouting I’m sure people shopping in Tesco are scrambling to get into bed, and I live like two miles from a Tesco. I’m sure my neighbours must dread bed time, the screaming then silence. It’s horrible. We’ve tried letting him have the tv on yes sometimes it works he’ll go to sleep whilst watching it. Tonight he was over tired and wild he’s always wild when over tired, like trying to climb the wardrobe. I’m not sure even what he jumped off onto his bean bag and split it, yes there’s 100’s of those white balls everywhere to add to everything he tipped up.

Z is bright red from crying and kicking the bed. He’s trying to climb everything to push things off to throw anything he can get his hands on, trying to hit me push me out of the room. Trying to line books up on his bed so he can’t get on it.

Tonight I shouted way worse than I ever have. I threw his books out of the room I hit the wall in temper ( thankfully it was the stone wall and not plasterboard!) ouch!! there’s only so much of a strong 5 year old hitting you and in meltdown mode he seems even stronger. It hurts. I know I have many a bruise from Z’s outbursts. I know he can’t help it but he’s 5 what am I going to do when he’s older. He’s pushed everything off his shelf, I know the older he gets the less will be in his room so I won’t have the mess to clean up everyday. It’s mentally and physically draining for the both of us. Me constantly telling him it’s bed time, Z repeating bed time but then screaming as if he’s all of a sudden terrified of his room that he’s happily played in for the last hour.

For his own safety he was trying to get the tv off the wall at one point, I had to wrap him in his quilt and lay on him oh I took a battering he freed his legs and arms,he pulled hair, he kicked and he screamed. Two minutes later if that I could just feel the relief leave him, laying at the side of him tickling his back listening to him cry then the random words with ‘I love you mummy’, brings on all the guilt out that I’ve just shouted at him.

The late nights the early mornings they are exhausting, 10.30 bed is later that what I’m used to. The 5am wake ups if going to sleep at 7 even 8 I’d cope with but 6.5 hours sleep he can’t keep that up. He’ll kill me.

I’m trying not to shout at him more so as when he’s jumping back into bed he’s covering his ears knowing I’m going to shout at him. It’s hard work it’s endless tidying from 4-8.30 or so he makes a mess down stairs then goes upstairs all I seem to do is clean up the same things everyday.

He’s snoring oblivious to everything he’ll wake up and come running in for a cwtch hopefully at 7 and not 5.

Somedays I really do hate what autism brings. Just makes something so straightforward such hard work

Posted in Toilet training

Week one of toilet training at school.

Ok we’ve started on Good Friday and worked with Z for the two weeks. We didn’t venture too far because yes there was accidents. Of course training Z isn’t like your typical child, we’re training more than one skill, requesting or using words being a huge one.

Monday and off he went to school in pants.

I rang to check up on him he was going ok.

Two accidents, now two accidents I was so pleased with, he came home and we continued until around 6 where we put pjs on with a nappy, night time toilet training isn’t something I’m starting just yet. ( maybe the six weeks holidays where I can get a little sleep back!) anyways day two and only one accident . Both of these being at circle time.

As he was doing so well even requesting to pee pee toilet, they allowed him to swim on Wednesday. Wednesday no accident. That was the same for Thursday and Friday. Yup not a single accident, he may have come out in different clothes than he went in but we’re still working on making the pee go down the toilet and not everywhere else whilst sitting in the toilet!

He’s come on so much, on Thursday we went to the beach, he fell asleep in the car and still stayed dry. That was the first place we attempted that was so far.

Today we went to sports where he used the toilet in the centre, drumshe stayed dry, we went shopping and he stayed dry. I hope and pray that this means we have it. Z is toilet trained. Last night he went running from the garden I shouts where you going Z to what sounded like pee, when I got there he was already wet but in the bathroom. We still have to work on pulling bottoms down and tempting to sit on the toilet at home but he’s taking himself in school and sitting on the toilet.

In three short weeks he’s done amazing. I’m so proud of him. How he’s learnt to control, to head to the right room and to request to go. Now the places we can go hopefully are endless!

Posted in Review

Love From A Stranger

I was asked back to New Theatre * to watch Love from a stranger by Agatha Christie and Frank Vosper based in 1958 in Bayswater, London, the cottage in West Sussex.

Cecily Harrington ( Helen Bradbury, and her friend Mavis Wilson ( Alice Wilson) won shares, they decide to let their flat as with the money Mavis is going traveling and Cecily is getting married to her fiancée of five years Michael, (Justin Avoth) but Cecily is having second thoughts, she doesn’t really want to get married she wants fun and excitement and to have some adventures.

Bruce Lovell ( Sam Frenchum) with his American Canadian accent comes to look at the flat, telling Cecily all about his adventures and stories from around the world, she opens up about breaking it off with her fiancée and wanting to travel with the money she’s won. Whilst showing Bruce around the flat we first see Bruce character when he picks up Cecily underwear, sniffs it and takes a photo. The stage here was cleverly set up, it’s moved! It slid to show more or less of what we needed to see and the lighting changed to more of a low light just to add in the creepiness!

It’s a whirlwind romance and we start part two with them married and living in a remote cottage. Here we meet the gardener, Hodgson and his niece Ethel who’s looking for a job. They agree to employ her even though you can see Bruce isn’t too happy, he doesn’t want any visitors taking away his time alone with Cecily. As she was running off stage doing her first job of employment she hit the prop over! It was quite funny, could see both Helen and Sam trying not to laugh with the audience! Sam saved it with a ‘she’s enthusiastic isn’t she’, to the gardener who replied whilst holding in laughter ‘she’s not a bad girl!’.

We start to see Bruce’s controlling side, no phone line, the resentment of visitors and sickness when Aunt Lulu comes to visit for the day.

Cecily Calls for the doctor when she thinks Bruce is having a heart attack, he’s not happy and doesn’t want him back. During this time the Dr notices Bruce’s criminology books.

When Mavis and Michael come to visit they also put two and two together.

The show ends and the audience leave all asking the same questions. Was she’s telling the truth? How did she do what she done? How did he do what he done? Was she really the character she was portrayed to be? Who planned it the most?

I thought it was quite cleverly written, I loved the way the stage moved, and we just saw the creepy side of Bruce, always lurking in the background, taking things in and planning. I couldn’t help but thinking he actually reminded me a little of Jac from Titanic! Maybe it was the clothes and accent?!

Love from a stranger is showing at New Theatre and you can book tickets here, prices start from £12.00

* I was gifted my tickets in exchange for a review.

Posted in autism

Toilet training day…..

Day I’ve lost count of toilet training…..

I think we’re on day 16 or there abouts! It’s been a long two weeks holiday.

We’ve found that if both of us are in the same room Z would rather wet himself. If I leave he’ll ask dad for ‘toilet’ for me he just runs to toilet. How it’s going to work in school tomorrow I’m unsure, but is it wrong to say he’s not my problem ?! No if he goes backwards so much I’ll be asking can I take him myself!

Yesterday we attempted drums and a visit to J, drums he stayed dry then wet at J’s twice. Brought him home and wet again.

I thought we’d kinda gone backwards.

Today he needed a wee, now he can tell and so can we, he refused to walk to the toilet, ran up the stairs and peed, he done this twice. Whilst laughing at us, I left him in his wet bottoms that he wasn’t happy about, he doesn’t mind it running down his leg, I’m guessing just in pants it drys, in bottoms it stays wet. This he doesn’t like.

Just now he’s calmly walked into bathroom saying ‘toilet’ sat on the toilet ( I quickly pulled him up and pulled down pants!) instead of waiting for me to pick him up and peed!!

Maybe just maybe we’re getting there!

We’ve not only had to teach the toilet training but awareness of when he’s needing to wee, also the requesting, and speech. From a ‘non verbal’ side of things Z not only calmly walking into the toilet is a big one at the beginning I was chuffed when he was peeing on the bathroom floor as he was in the correct room. To now actually requesting using words to say toilet is a huge achievement in itself.

Hopefully its now finally clicked, and when this is what’s expected of him at school all day every day it’ll be bye bye nappies for us during the day.

Posted in journey to Zero waste

April – Month 4 of less plastic.

This month I had to buy a bag, my first bag of 2018. I had been shopping, used my bags, then headed to a different shop and picked up a few too many things to carry out minus a bag. The good thing is that it will be reused, with Z being toilet trained his spare (wet) clothes can be put in it.

This month I’ve changed my flash floor wash to my own made, using vinegar some washing up liquid, essential oils and water. It’s lasting much longer! I always use this for my spray bottle that cleans everything from my kitchen to my bathroom.

I’ve gone from my plastic razor to a safety razor the only thing needing to be changed there is the blade, that will take me ages.

One of the biggest things I had changed was my coffee, instead of the milk and coffee pods I was just using the coffee and warming my soya milk up. I changed to ground coffee and reusable pods. I also bought loose tea leaves for the husband and actually made him a cup of tea! He said it was a lovely cup of tea, and I’m not known for my tea making skills! So next up I’ll be finding a re use for my ground coffee.

So in four months I’ve changed.


Bleach – Home made Toilet Bombs.

Lush bath bombs – Home made bath bombs.

Microfibre Cloths – Cotton Re usable ones.

Sanitary products – Re usable ones.

Plastic Razor – Safety Razor

Plastic bottles of Soap – Home made soap.

Shower Gel – Home made soap.

Shampoo and conditioner- Bars


Microfibre Cloths – Cotton Reusable ones

Kitchen Roll – Cotton reusable ones.

Cleaning Spray – Home made with vinegar.

Clingfilm – Home made beeswax wraps

Tin Foil – Baking paper

Coffee pods – Ground Coffee

Tea bags – loose Tea leaves

Washing powder – Soap nuts

Fabric Conditioner – Vinegar and essential oil.

Floor Cleaner – Home made.

Pegs – Stainless steel

Other things

Z’s plastic lunch bag to tin, no plastic bags food is wrapped in beeswax wrap. Stainless steel bottle. I Carry at least two bags in my bag at all times. A keepy cup for long journeys. Started my first eco brick. Home made wax melts and lip balm.

I’ve attempted to work out how much I’ve saved in three months January- March, and it comes in at around £160. Yes I’m buying the things to substitute but a box of bicarbonate is 1.79 citric acid £1 and that’s keeping Z in bath bombs for around a month, the essential oils I had gifted to me so an even bigger saving!

Posted in autism, Toilet training

Day 10 Toilet Training.

Day 10, 10 days of near enough stuck indoors, or rather Z has been stuck indoors. We’ve been in pants from 7ish till 4.30 ish every day.


After day 4 I was ready to give up! (You can read about day 1-3 here ). But I’d spent 10 days in stuck in the house anyways so wasn’t going back. After day 4 and a day from hell we got a little better, and I mean day 4 was rough, he peed everywhere bar the toilet, from a jigsaw box, to the window, kitchen, get what I mean from day from hell now?! When his ABA therapist rung me on the Tuesday I said I had nearly given up, she went through the data and said he hadn’t done too bad, haha I think she was trying to be nice, and her only concern really was the amount he was peeing. Well she had told me to up his fluids! So from day 5 we had to find his normal pee pattern and a bigger motivator. So out came the iPad. Now every time Z pees on the toilet he gets 20 minutes of ipad time.

Day 6 I actually left him with respite while I headed to the dentist, he made the bathroom ( ok were struggling to get him to make his way on to the toilet!) he actually got his little butt out of the dogs bed, running to the bathroom was a huge improvement and I accepted it as a win. ABA therapist rang and agreed, even if a tiny bit of wee went down the toilet he got his iPad. he quickly got the hang of it.

Day 7 we were winning at toilet training.

Day 8 an was our first time out. We headed to a mates, minus a nappy, he was happy to sit on her toilet even though I forgot his toilet seat. He had an accident as soon as we got there but stayed dry the rest of the time. He headed to nans where he actually peed on her toilet! Ok more so everywhere else but he was sitting on the toilet, not only once but 3 times.

Day 9 and daddy was home, I think we went a little backwards yesterday as when Z was running into the bathroom and started to pee daddy would shout and Z would stop peeing, that meant he was running more to the bathroom and a few more accidents in there. But with dad being in work last week and only me covering the toilet training I’m not surprised Z was a little confused! I did take him to his drum lesson yesterday where he did have an accident but with that only being his second outing I’m assuming that he has to learn that he can’t just pee any time he wants when out so in the grand scheme of things I’m not too worried about that, we will have accidents I’m prepared for those when out!

So today we head into day 10.

We have to go out today, I could wait until 4.30 when he’s in a nappy or we could risk a walk minus the nappy and hope he does ok?!

Posted in autism

A-Z of Autism 2018

After doing A-Z of autism in 2016 and 2017 I went and done one for 2018.

I’ve not looked through but I’m guessing so many have changed.

A – Acceptance, something I think were still waiting on. The awareness seems to be places but are people really accepting of Z’s ways?

B – Books , at the moment Z loves books. I’m pretty confident that he’s actually reading them too.

C – Cwtches, Z now gives lush cwtches!

D – Destruction! Yes, Z causes mass destruction all the time!

E – Eggs, Z loves kinder eggs, well any eggs he can peel! He’s loving sitting with a boiled egg and peels the shell, ok he doesn’t eat the egg but it’s all progress that he’ll actually touch it!

F – Friends, these include my friends, and Z’s they are always there

G – * name of school begins with G, he loves it, the staff are amazing with him and I couldn’t have chosen a better environment or him to learn and progress in.

H – High Five. Yup, ask Z to give five and he does with a huge cheesy grin, say give another five and yup he does, two hands up and say give ten, he hits two hands and laughs!

I – Innocent smoothies! The amount he goes through we really should be living at fruit towers!

J – Jigsaws, he’s gone back to jigsaws, currently doing 150 pieces independently!

K – For his PA’s daughters name, who Z loves, she’s amazing with him, she watches out for him and accepts him for who he is, even though she’s not really that much older than him.

L – Laugh – Z’s laugh is infectious, he has such a belly roaring infecting laugh, even when he’s being up at 3am and I could happily dump him he still makes me smile listening to his laugh.

M – For Z’s PA, who like her daughter loves Z, will do anything with him and he’s really lucky to have found a really good PA.

N – Noisy, never let anyone tell you that a pre verbal child is quiet. Z Is nosier than anyone I know!

O – Over Sensitive, this is to people eating and certain noises. I think they hurt his ears and he lashes out. Hopefully this is something we can learn to control.

P – Progress. How Z has progressed in a year is amazing.

Q – Quick! When he wants to go or do something it’s always quickly! There’s no waiting around!

R – Repetition, Z’s learning to repeat lots more from single words to phrases.

S – Sleep, haha what’s that?

T – Teacher. Don’t get me wrong I’m hoping all Z’s teachers are going to be someone he loves, after seeing his annual review video and the one picture where he’s just looking at her with love means so much to me as his parent. Even though Z can’t tell me he likes school or he likes his teacher seeing his eyes light up when he sees her is enough to tell me he loves school.

U – Understanding. I think Z’s understanding is getting a little better, a few times lately I’ve asked him to get his shoes and he has! It all comes under progress right?!

V – Voice. Finally starting to hear his little voice is something that last year we didn’t really hear much of.

W – Water. He loves water, he loves swimming at school at loves the bath!he knows the sea and the puddles!

X – Xylophone, one of Z’s favourite words to spell, he also loves the musical instrument!

Y – Young, Z’s still young, we have plenty of opportunities to learn, plenty of time to achieve and spread awareness and plenty of time to ACCEPT

Z – Z will always be for Z, he is who is is and one I’ll not change!

Posted in Uncategorized

Toilet training day 1-3

Right not sure who’s getting more wound up being stuck in Z or myself!

Friday…. ….day 1 ….. I hate toilet training.

Saturday … day 2 …. I still hate toilet training.

Sunday…….day 3 ……. did I say I hate toilet training?

He’s peed more times in the dogs bed than the toilet, ok not quite, most random place against his window after that’s moment when you think you’ve cracked it!

We’re kinda going on the theme of accident, toilet, accident x3, toilet x2, accident x3, and that was day 1. So 10 pees, 3 toilet everywhere else 5 dogs bed 2!

Day 2, toilet, accident, toilet, toilet accident, toilet poo! We started a little later, 6 pees, 4 made in down the toilet 1 in the dogs bed. Poo on the stairs!

Day 3 we started off on the floor, toilet, accident, toilet, accident , toilet x3 accident x2 toilet. So 11 pees, 6 of those made it down the toilet, 1 on the window 4 everywhere else!

I’m kinda seeing a pattern of we’ve doubled our toilet pees in two days. Today I was feeling like no he’s not got it, maybe I’m pushing for something that’s never going to happen. After three pees on the toilet I knew I had to keep going, looking at my results in writing I’m going in to day 4!

The accidents more so happen when I take my eye off him for that second, or once I didn’t quite realise the time and missed the toilet by 2 minutes, that’s when he peed, the other he was knowing he needed to go, I said Z pee? And he looked at me and peed right there, that’s my wording I changed to toilet pee after that!