This maybe hard to read, this was hard to write. This was written through some tears, some sitting in the waiting room, with anger and sadness with grief and being emotionally and physical drained but also with that percentage of being thankful for what I have. I don’t mean to upset anyone. These are my emotions this is my story, and isn’t the same as anyone else story. When I started my blog it was with the intention to help one person with autism, if this story of infertility or miscarriage helps someone else my work is done. I don’t write it for sympathy, I don’t write it for support, I write it for me. The same as the rest of my blog.
This time around was different, mentally this round was exhausting, extremely hard. If this didn’t work that was it there wasn’t any more. As much as I could keep telling myself that at the time it doesn’t make it any easier knowing that it was a gamble, a big chance to take. One I knew, one I had told myself over and over. Maybe deep down I wasn’t as prepared for it not working as I should have been. Or maybe I was more prepared for it to be a negative and not a positive for those 5 days.
I think I knew from the start that it wasn’t going to work. I’d told a few people what we were doing I introduced you as frostie and chilly when asked why I was telling my friends this time my reply was so if it doesn’t work people will know why I’m not myself. I didn’t tell anyone last time, maybe because if it didn’t work I had two to fall back on, I had another free go. Maybe that negative thinking had something to do with it? Of course I don’t think that, I could say the day of transfer I questioned myself what with Z’s needs was I being stupid, but I was confident we’d manage, I did think I may have been divorced with possibly 3 kids by 40! But it was going to be a whole new adventure and one I was extremely excited about.
The bleeding, I was being told was normal, call it Mother’s intuition but I knew something wasn’t right. Bleeding at 3 days past 5 day transfer may have been implantation bleeding, yes I had that with Z, that’s when I got a little excited. Then it stopped, started back at day 6 ok that could have been the second implanting, you see one of you were stronger than the other. But after that it didn’t stop, 8 days later and the test was positive, that same day I said I was still bleeding, brown and red spotting, would all the tablets actually give me a false positive it’s given me everything else but No it wouldn’t, the embryo had to try to embed to give a positive. Bloods apparently were ok 911 or so, repeat two days later. Two days later I was still bleeding, a little heavier but nothing to worry about because my bloods had doubled even though the bleeding had gotten that little bit worse, on day 16 sitting there having my bloods taken I knew, there would be nothing to see on a scan as it was too early and bloods were the best way. I had to continue the way I was going.
Bloods were going up, meaning that one of you had stuck, that’s all the hospital was worried about. Maybe one has stuck and your body’s getting rid of the second. I knew then that something was wrong. When I mentioned it two days later that the bleeding was getting heavier was told not to worry.
Yes we transferred the two of you. There was no leaving one behind, we were all in it together.
I could say the day I started bleeding was the day Z didn’t sleep, I was hormonal and lost it at 5am and threw stuff. I could say when we went skiing and Z was playing up and I was dragging him about or when we were at the hospital and he had a mini meltdown again I dragged him about it wouldn’t have helped. But I know that had nothing to do with it. You should have been safely tucked away. I could say I should have lost weight but fat people get pregnant all the time right. None of these things had anything to do with it. Nothing at all. This is what was meant to be.
We were looking forward to adding two of you to our family, of course the chances that it wouldn’t work are still what 25% 1 in 4. Think my odds went up to 30% as it has worked the first time, but yet dropped back a little ‘coz there were two of you. But who really thought it wouldn’t work when the first was so easy. Everyone was confident that with male factor infertility I was fine.
This time was so different, the patches made me itch, burnt through my skin, but I had to do it. The meds took away a lot of my patience they also made me so bloated I thought made me look pregnant even before you had been defrosted, progesterone can give you back ache and make your boobs sore. See all common early pregnancy symptoms. You fool your body to thinking it’s pregnant, you shut down your ovaries and pump them full of pregnancy hormones. Physically and emotionally .
Again bleeding day 19, there’s no way anything could have survived. But again I was told we’ll see you Friday for a scan. There’s not going to be anything to be seen, you can’t loose that amount of blood and clots and grey blobs surely. When the sun is shining out yet I’m sitting with goose pimples, that’s not meant to happen right? I’m suppose to be getting that pregnancy glow.
Today I got a scan, they finally took me seriously. The nurse that had been with me from day one and a senior nurse called me in, they knew before scanning me that there’d be nothing to see by my face. I’d told the both of them on day 14 and 16 something was wrong. I was right, there wasn’t anything there, they could see a little black hole where the embryo had tried to embed. Why you didn’t stick I’ll never know. The nurse left didn’t come back in, maybe I was her first ‘lost’ she seemed upset the second nurse took my bloods and gave me a prescription for antibiotics ironic right the first thing you want to do is go drown your sorrows and they put you on antibiotics for an infection as my heart rate is a little high. Yes I went alone, many people offered to come with me, I wanted to do it alone, get my thoughts together get my emotions together without anyone having to not say anything.
A chemical pregnancy, medical abortion or miscarriage it can be called any one of those things. They say it’s the fault of the embryo that yes the blastocyst made it to that stage and split enough to implant but wouldn’t get any further than that so the body does its job. A normal pregnancy I probably wouldn’t even have known I was pregnant, ok I may have been a few days late but on the lack of sleep we have I’d have blamed that I wouldn’t even have taken a test. I’ve been late a few times a test has never crossed my mind, we had ivf there’s no need to worry being a few days late! The difference being with ivf you have to test on day 14, 5 days later it was all over.
So for two weeks I was classed as pregnant, but for less than a week you were my babies, one or two of you. For those few days Z was a big brother. When we went out we were a family of 5 not 3. I’m now one of those numbers, twice over.
1 in 4
What happens next?
I wait, I’ll cry, I’ll push everyone away, I maybe quiet. I can possibly bleed for up to two weeks, two weeks is a long time I didn’t bleed for that long after having Z, then again I don’t think I’ve ever seen as much blood as I have these last few days. Again that’s from the hormone meds to make my uterus wall super thick, fun hey when now it all has to leave. I’ll be in pain physically for a few weeks, emotionally may take a little longer.
I’ll bounce back I have to I have Z. Z who really is my little miracle baby. Z who will always be an only child. It may take me a while, I may not show excitement when you tell me you’re expecting more so if it’s unexpected or when a baby is born. That I can’t help, I may be jealous I don’t mean to be but that’s it it’s game over for us, we don’t have 20 grand to try again, 20 grand can take Z to Disney on holiday, and I need to think of him I can’t dwell and become obsessive on having another baby. So I’ll apologise before hand for not getting excited for you I’ll be happy for you and I’ll mean it but don’t expect me to be fun around you. Again when you try to tell me of your ‘loss’ I appreciate it, but they are slightly different circumstances, it will be hard for anyone to have to loose that one thing they want, the difference being an ivf loss may have a little more baggage to it, I’m not saying my loss is any worse than your loss it’s not, there was just so much more planning, hospital appointments, scans and money I was offered grief guidance before leaving the unit for the last time. Maybe this is because it’s ivf they know it’s the last chance. Last shot of a baby, there is no trying again. I don’t mean your loss is not important of course it is and months down the line I’ll read this back and know what I said was kinda horrible. Again I’m sorry. I’m not sure how long the horrible jealous side of me will stick around, please bare with me. I’m guessing it’ll be the pregnancy side of things not the actual baby.
We knew the risks of implanting the two of you, the risk of twins and the risk of loosing both of you, yet you were frozen together you were in it together there was no choosing one or the other, you didn’t make it together. Do I wish I never defrosted you, when you were frozen you were still safe, still a possibility at being pregnant again, but I had to give you a chance, some may not believe but I know I’ll see you again someday, until that day comes I’m sure there’ll be days I’ll want to break down and cry I have 9 months to get through babies being born and pregnancy announcements.
But for now I need to move on. I have to be thankful that I actually met you, I have proof of your existence, and a picture to treasure , I have to be thankful that I was 1 in 4 the first time, I was the lucky one that walked away with Z, this time it was some one else’s turn, someone else to have their own little Z their own little miracle baby someone else’s chance to be that number 1 in 4.