I remember two years ago when I wrote this, we’ve come so far in two years in so many ways but still feels the same in others.  When I read back on last years update again as much as I know we’ve gone forward it still feels like where we were two years ago! 
Of course we still have the sleeping or lack of, we do start our day really early and end it much later than I would like! We still have the fussy eating and endless nappies to change! 
This last year I’ve really watched Z come on. From words, yes he can’t have that conversation with me yet, but with lots of new words hopefully in time he’ll be able to answer a yes and no question. His understanding is much better, he still won’t follow commands or get anything for me! 
In some places we’re closer to two years ago in respect to what he likes, he’s gone back to the toys he was lining up and watching what he used to watch on tv. ( currently back to Winnie the Pooh!) Maybe it’s something that will always happen, maybe he’ll always go back to things he knows and will find a different use for them. His toot toot cars used to be lined up, then he didn’t bother with them, they sing and he didn’t like that. Now they still get lined up but they also get put on a track, hopefully that’s a start of imaginative play. If he has an animal he’ll try to feed it telling it to ‘eat’. 
I’ve spent this last year watching him try to figure out where he is in the big world, and he’s not found that out yet he’s only four, has anyone? This big world that causes him stress, it confuses him. Things keep changing people eat and things are noisy. 
I’ve watched him grow, I’ve watched him learn how to be around other children in small spaces and not run away, I’ve watched him watching others and try to join in what ever game they were playing, I’ve watched him laugh, cry, and attack others. I’ve watched him iniatate conversation, and get people to do what he wants. I’ve watched him bond with teachers and laugh with them, possibly love them.  I’ve watched him attempt things like a Christmas concert and places I’d never thought he would, like rides at Drayton manor. I’ve watched my small little guy grow up autism hasn’t stopped this. 
Like I said I’ve watched him attack people, I’ve watched him struggle, I’ve watched him in pain and haven’t been able to do a thing about it, just add to that pain by pinning him down for bloods and x-rays. I’ve watched him cry and haven’t known the reason or been able to help. I’ve watched him struggle. Autism is the reason for this. 
In the last two years I in a person I think have changed, more so in the last year. I may never find out where we actually fit in, but I’m having fun looking.  Without autism we’d be on a completely different path, different people and a different outlook on life. There would be people who are big parts of my life right now not even seen, I wouldn’t even know about never mind laugh with. Autism is I’m guessing always going to be hard, I know I’m on a life long journey but with Z showing me the way I’m sure we’ll all be fine! I’m prepared for the laughing, the cries, the meltdowns and no sleep! 
I’m actually excited for school, too see them work with him with his words who knows where we’ll be next year? Maybe I’ll have the answers to my questions, maybe I won’t be changing nappies what ever happens I know I’ll always have my little guy, autism and all.

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