I’ve never been a fan of change. I’ve never known why. If something works, why change it?
Looking back to my teenage years, I’d go out to the same places on the same nights at the same times with the same people. It’s not something I thought of until recently and attempting to find myself. Now I’m thinking I must have been keeping myself safe; I had some control over a situation that socially I was expected to do. I was expected to go out drinking, go from bar to bar. But others would have similar routines, and I’d know who was in where at certain times, and if one wanted to detour off my bar-to-bar path, I’d meet them when they came to the same bar! I never thought anything of it. I didn’t want to go to a different place, that’s not what happened every Friday!
No one ever questioned it. It was just me and what I done.
Same bars, same clothes and same people week after week.
I drive a minibus for work. I’ve often gone, and my dad will throw me his keys, drive my bus today or do my school today. The fear of what’s wrong? Why? Why can’t I drive mine? In the beginning, it was you are being silly. It’s the same bus. You’ve driven it loads of times. You know the route and children—all true. I’ve never been able to explain why. Because it does sound stupid! Even to me.
I wear the same sort of clothes. I know my clothes are comfortable. It will take me ages to wear something different. Why? Because I know someone will say something. Again as silly as that sounds, I don’t like the attention. I’m the one who will do whatever. Something needs to be done. I’ll do it. I’ve done welcome meetings for over 200 people, I’ll be the first on a karaoke machine tone deaf, but it starts others. There’s none of that awkward silence.
Put me in a room with someone I don’t really know on a one-to-one basis, and it will take me a while to get into conversation, the small talk I’m quite rubbish at! Again sounds crazy when I don’t shut up.
Other people change. I can’t help that. I can’t stop others from changing; I’ve just learnt to move on! I’ll go from person to person and back again. They may have changed but going back after a while, the person is like a new person to get to know again.
All these things have always sounded so random. I’m lucky that in the day of social media and listening to others explain how their autism works or maybe affects them, things slowly started to click together. Those lightbulb moments of that’s like me.
I’m now that little more confident to say those things that sound complete crazy more out loud and people say oh I do that too. Yea it’s not me and nope it’s not crazy. It’s great that you can say to others so do you do this? Or does something like this affect you?
I don’t have the words to put most things or feelings into words. So when Z does something in my head, I can say yes, I know why. It makes perfect sense but trying to get those feelings into words, and it’s gone. Of course, it’s listening to others so that when they explain it and it makes sense, you get to try and understand it. Why does driving a different bus get to me so much? I don’t know. If I have a warning, I can do it. I know I can drive anything. I know it still sounds crazy in my head!