This one is a little bit different from me, other different posts I’ve published on other blogs. This one is part of me, in turn maybe effecting Z, so felt now was a good time to start writing as it’s five years to the date I  since I started my ivf journey. I remember that hospital appointment well, worried they were going to say no as I’d gained a stone from the pill they put me on six weeks before. My appointment was 3 o’clock and all I’d eaten were a few baby tomatoes from the father in laws allotment! 
As I’ve said Z is an ivf baby. I’m very lucky it worked first time. He’s four now and people are starting to ask oh when’s the next one? When I reply oh he’s an ivf baby, I get looks of oh I’m sorry, or I didn’t know, or others say do you have any frozen. 
I have two frozen, sitting there chilling on ice. After Z was born I said never again, I’d never go through the panic that was Z’s birth story. Never. 
If I didn’t have two frozen the answer would still be never. I’m happy with Z. He’s challenging enough! I feel that I’m lucky enough that if Z needs something I can go get it, if I wanted to take Z on a holiday, if I saved I could afford it and take him. Could I do that with another one possibly two? 
Then it comes to defrosting. The way I look at it I have another two children, Z has two siblings. I’ve always said I’d never hide the fact that Z was an ivf baby, when the time comes in many many years for the talk about the birds and the bees we have the and you can be made like you were! What happens if I don’t defrost and Z says why? Why didn’t you give me a chance of having a sibling. I won’t have an answer to that. The answer well I put you first isn’t going to cut it! 
My answer right now is I want to defrost them, well I feel I have to do what’s right and that’s giving them a chance at life.  But when is that the right moment, right now it’s not. Right now I’m not emotionally ready, I feel you have to be emotionally ready as if I’m not and if don’t  work I’ll always blame myself. Ivf is an emotional journey in itself, how people can do it over and over again takes courage. 
Then I have the decision of defrost one or two? I’ve always said it would be the two I can’t pick one if they both successfully thawed. I couldn’t. If it worked and I had twins, again I’m not ready for twins! I don’t think my parents are ready for three kids on a Friday night! Then I loose my child free evening! See priorities here! 
So right now isn’t the time, Z is learning so much right now, would having one or two babies possibly make him regress in any way? Some people say the best thing they done was have another it brought the child out of themselves. I can’t take that risk, at the moment Z comes first he has to come first. Then I feel guilty what happens if I defrost, Z is always going to come first with his needs, is it wrong to bring in another child who could possibly always come second? Will miss out on things because Z can’t cope? What happens if the one or two have autism ? What happens if they are harder work than Z is? 
So many questions left unanswered. 
Right now I want to loose the weight I’ve gained since having Z, do I really want to put it all back on with another baby,  that makes me sound so shallow I know that, but I need to loose the weight to chase after Z. To keep him safe, but older I’m getting not younger. 

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