Last hear I wrote about my journey to having Z you can catch that here, this year it’s completely different.

This time last year I was already on my hormones ready for embryo transfer, as we know that didn’t work out, again you can read that one here.

This year there’s no embryos waiting, there’s nothing. Emptiness maybe, that in the next few weeks I know what’s coming.

I can keep myself busy, but I still know what’s around the corner.

Z is now the child that will always be an only child, he will never have a sibling he can look to, he can play with, to even watch out for him when we die he’s all alone. That’s a terrifying thought.

This year I should be writing this with three of the 17 embryos who made it, I don’t, I have one. I have one miracle, one remarkable clever little boy. I could be bitter and say but he can’t talk, he can’t do this and that, but out of 17 he made it. There was a reason he made it. He was meant to be, he was meant for me and he was meant to teach me everything he’s taught me. He’s given me friends I never thought I’d have, he’s shown me theres more to life than spoken language.

The two little ones who didn’t make it also taught me way more than I’d ever think possible.

Sometimes I feel guilty for being able to do things to enjoy things knowing that if they had made it I wouldn’t have been able to do these things. They didn’t make it, Z did and I have to continue to do those things for Z. But I said at the time if it didn’t work I was trying so much with Z. One taking him skiing, I’m currently waiting on his first passport, I made that promise to myself, and I will do it.

I have to be thankful for what I have. There’s many out there that don’t even get the one, 1 in 8 couples deal with infertility. So many out there who would happily trade places with my 3 am wake up, the meltdowns and the no speech to have a child to call their own.

I don’t think you ever get over you’re a number you’re a statistic, 1 in 8 for infertility 1 in 4 for ivf to work and 1 in 4 for a miscarriage. You’ll always be a number.

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