So October is baby loss and miscarriage awareness month. 

Where people light candles and share posts on social media. I know I did without knowing how hard being that 1 in 4 is. 

Z who up until May, I wasn’t 100% certain but you can’t go through a confirmed miscarriage and not know the period from hell before Z was actually an unconfirmed miscarriage, he was my rainbow baby, after May I know he’s my rainbow baby. He’s my miracle.  Maybe that’s why I’ve always been attracted to bright rainbow colours for him. Subconsciously knowing. Subconsciously reminding myself of how lucky I am. His name translates to God Remember or gift from God. 

Why my other two never made it, no one will know, I’ll never know. It’s not as if we could try again and get tests done, but would I really want that. I don’t know how people do that so many times. Of course you get through it no doubt about that but I don’t think I’d be strong enough to go through that time and time again.

So 1 in 4, that means that in a group of 4 women I should be the only one who’s gone through that pain. That’s wrong. There’s so many out there that are also 1 in 4 that those stats have to be wrong. When you go through it you hear of others going through it.

There’s different miscarriages Cathryn tells her story of a missed miscarriage where as Kelly tells it exactly as it is a few more weeks past me,  something anyone going through searches Google for, I know I did. I just wrote all my emotions.

Before May I was one of those ones that’s would think it’s worse the further on you are, truth be told I don’t think it matters. It’s one of the worst things to ever have to go through.

Its always that awkward what do you say after, I suppose everyone is different. I wanted to move on in my own time, my own way.