The more I’m finding out about myself the more I’m trying to make sense out of basically life!
Why could before I manage things that I seem to really struggle with now the older I get?
Silly things like going back to uni to the teacher not there and not knowing who I’ll have, will it be the same one? For how long? When will my tutor be back? All those kept going through my head yet everyone else accepted it.
Just this weekend we went away for my dads birthday. Z coped, me let’s just say I have no nails left.
I don’t know the feelings I had I can’t even put into words because they don’t even make sense to myself.
What does kind of make sense to me is I’m a piggy bank. I go to sleep and I empty my coins each night after 8 hours sleep I wake up empty.
Smells in the morning such as deodorants add a coin to my bank. I maybe running late another coin added. I may get stuck in traffic, another coin added. I may have to wait for Z, then he comes out screaming, dads shouting let’s add two coins here! I come home I have my coffee I do nothing, I drop a coin or two through the day. Never all coins I’m never back to empty.
So over the week the less sleep I have the more coins I wake up with, coins get added to me daily, a different teacher a few coins could get added, maybe a disagreement with someone will add coins I hate confrontation believe it or not!
See where I’m going? Lots of small little things add coins eventually the last coin is going to break me. There’s no room for that coin. It doesn’t matter what coin it is, even something simple like an egg cracking in frying pan is one coin to many and I’m exploding.
Before Z I didn’t have half the coins I have now, I could go to bed when I wanted and wake up empty most mornings. I had room for more coins it seems. I didn’t I was still the same person it just took longer to fill me up. So I’d be full maybe once every three months and explode over something simple like a fried egg cracking. I’d reset and start again.
I’m trying, I’m trying to drop some coins, I’m learning how to drop coins throughout the day!