Who am I?

This time last year I applied or is that the wrong word! For an autism diagnosis for myself. I’ve thought about it for awhile.

The online tests came back seek a gp appointment. After going back to education I saw how different I was from others in my class. Wasn’t as social and thought completely different. After a year and the tutor then getting to know me a little better she realised I wasn’t trying to be funny at class these really were what I was thinking, or how I was thinking. Referencing really things I knew to other things so it made sense in my head. How literal I was, don’t forget to add a table. What’s a table got to do with puberty? She told me to contact the uni as they’d need to be aware I am seeking out an autism diagnosis.

That’s how I got diagnosed dyslexic.

The person I spoke to said without a formal diagnosis of autism I’d not get any help, but they could screen me for dyslexia and if it were it’s the same help. That shocked me when it came back high needs, along with dyspraxia, autism and ocd! The guy who done my dyslexia test couldn’t diagnose any of the others as he felt dyslexia was causing my issues and not the others and I could be one of those people with traits of everything.

I’m still waiting on news of an autism assessment they took me on last year confirming my tests gave me a high chance of being autistic, someone will be in touch. We’re living in Covid times though where there’s much longer waiting times.

This year the tutor has been brilliant. Accepted me for me, I’ve not been told to shut up yet, they’ve kind of changed certain things so I understand. It was quickly discovered that I get stuck on things that can have different meanings and I’ll always be on the wrong one! If things are explained in a random way I’ll get it and remember it. Mostly! My short term memory is rubbish but it will go into my long term memory and I can replay it in pictures or video form depending on the memory. I never knew this wasn’t the norm! Still looking at where I sit with dyspraxia and even ocd, my house is a mess, but reading online and doing other checks that could be adhd which would make more sense!

I’ve been doing things my entire life that are not the norm and I didn’t even know. I didn’t know that people didn’t work in pictures for memories but can’t imagine so the head is black. Also, that people can have a quiet head. How is that even possible!

On self identities and who we are it’s taken me to who am I? Will a diagnosis change me? Will it just confirm who I am? I struggled to do a task look to the future to see the better you, the happier you, why wait? Why not do things that make you happy now? We could all be dead tomorrow? Why get stressed over things such as essays? As long as I pass I’m not looking for marks of 90+ ( to be fair I’d never hit 90+!) I’m happy that I passed and not gutted when I don’t get those high marks. Here’s to the next year, to hopefully getting some answers on the path to who I am!

I know I am Jo, I am Z’s mam and that is possibly how I ‘get him‘ and ‘understand’ sometimes why he does the things he does.

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