Some days are harder than others.

The harder days are becoming more the norm. The bigger he’s getting the harder it is. I’m hoping it’s the age, 7 year olds are hard work anyways right!

It’s been 20 weeks since Z was at school. The first few weeks were great, we had more sleep than normal, and then it dawned on him that this was it. Everything changed and we’ve been struggling really since.

He will not stop the night at my parents, he won’t always leave the house, and the lack of sleep is starting to have huge impacts for us all

Today at the park I actually lost it. Yes me, the person who should stay calm, the person who’s the adult lost it, to the point of throwing a can of Pepsi ( I did pick the exploded can up and didn’t litter).

We’ve been up since 3 am, by 4 am Z was on the attack, I do not know why, but this morning I did stay calm I attempted to give him the pressure he seems to seek whilst playing white noise. It didn’t quite work because the light was starting to arrive which means it’s no longer sleep time.

By 9:30 when I left for an eye test I was thankful to be leaving. When I got home he had already escaped into next door, but completely naked.

When I got home he was waiting for that door to be unlocked and off he ran again. Dragged him back kicking and screaming.

Attempted the park, before we even got into the car, again I’m dragging him out of next door. The park wasn’t suppose to be, I spent more time putting shoes on him, getting him down from the car and out of someone’s garden than he spent in the park, he didn’t actually want to go he wanted the boot open, that’s where he knows a drink is, he had that, and that was what tipped me. I think it was more I twisted my foot, then I had the dreaded chin. So I had my own meltdown in the middle of the park and left.

When we got in he didn’t want to be in, so the whole thing started again. At home I can let him bounce it out, other than bounced he kicked me. I didn’t react. I know he’s trying to communicate he doesn’t want to bounce it out, but right now that’s our safest option, other than a&e for what a broken jaw or dislocated from him digging it into the ground?

I know I’ve dealt with many of these moments before, there’ll be many more to come, but lack of sleep is the game changer here. Before covid, I could take Z out on a Saturday let the husband have a lay in and he could deal with Z when I’d go to bed earlier, were not doing that so no one is getting any catch up sleep, we’re all snapping at each other, we’re all sick of only really seeing us, so I really can see where Z is coming from. He has no break from either of us other than his 4 hours twice a week of respite. This isn’t me saying I want to get rid of him, this is for his needs, he needs time to be a child to play, to explore and to learn, to figure out how to be him without my every watch. School is where he would have been doing all that. I say if things don’t work out I’d unschool him, I stand by that, but we would be out and about and it wouldn’t be busy, we’d have places to ourselves and he’d be happy.

Do I go down the route of melatonin to try when there’s no studies on use in childhood? Do I ride it out but maybe sign him up to some sort of crèche for the day of interaction with children’? Do we go extreme and split so at least when one of us has Z the other can sleep? Next week dads back at work, next week it’s back to just Z and I, I still can’t run on my foot, maybe it’s because I’ve twisted it many of times, rest with Z is impossible.

Covid have disrupted everything, if there hadn’t been any covid the hot tub wouldn’t have taken so long to get fixed, I know that’s what he’s missing. Without covid he would have finished school, he wouldn’t be missing his friends on week three of the school holiday, and he wouldn’t have missed so much time at my parents he would still happily sleep there and we’d play sleep catch up. I know covid is here to stay, but if schools close again then I’m really not sure what impact that’s going to have on Z’s mental health never mind mine.

For now today is nearly over, we will look at tomorrow when it arrives, hopefully on a little more sleep.

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