This weekend was your due date.

I’m pretty certain if you had made it you’d have been here by now.

To believe it’s been nine months.

Nine months of living lives.

For those few days when people said oh I’m sorry you were thought of. Those few days you mattered.

For me I’ve thought of you every day.

The hopes and dreams.

The what ifs you had stuck.

From that positive line you were somebody.

You were wanted.

You have names.

You have a family.

People say it gets easier, maybe after this weekend it might. I don’t think it’ll stop me thinking of the what ifs.

So far this year there’s been a few pregnancy announcements. Am I expected to sit smile and say congratulations? Yes I’m happy for you but inside my heart breaks just that little bit all over again. Like a scab that you just keep picking at . The one that leaves a scar. The difference being no one sees this scar.

I’ll never know why you didn’t make it. There’s a number of reasons. I can sit all day and blame the sperm that fertilised the egg, I can blame myself for lifting Z, for having to drag him during a meltdown a few times during that week. Funny thing being he’s not been that bad since. I can blame my weight, I can blame the Dr because it didn’t feel the same as when I had Z, I can blame the nurses for not taking me seriously. I can blame everything and everyone but the truth is I’ll never know. People say things happen for a reason. I’m not sure what the reason was and I’ll never know.

As your mother I know you are fine in the afterlife, you’re safe, you’ve never felt pain and suffering you are smiling and are happy. I do believe that when Z is having a fit of the giggles he’s laughing with his siblings.

These last few weeks you’ve been on my mind. I know you’re here you leave me little feathers . They are not there when I go to bed but appear when I wake.

I never got a chance to see you, never got a chance to hold you, never got a chance to say goodbye.

Until we meet again ohana

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