Lockdown, covid -19 may well have broken me. It has a lot to answer for. I understand loads of people are in the same place as me.

I love my child, I’ll do anything for him. If he needs anything I’ll get it. When he breaks stuff I replace. I get autism as much as I can, why he needs to do what he does.

But I’m sick of the no sleep, I’m sick of the broken things that keep needing to be replaced.

Since lockdown stated, my clutch went on the car not Z fault but still £400 To add to the final bill. With Z we’ve had two iPads ( roughy 1800) dropped in the hot tub, a broken hot tub, luckily that’s on warranty the lid isn’t (100) , two broken cameras (2 x 40), two broken pairs of my glasses (150), a broken Nintendo switch (280), a cistern in the toilet that now overflows, an iPhone 7, (300) a plasma light (10) a fair few noise activated books (20) and that’s just off the top of my head.

At some point he’s walked off with my AirPods, that were in my locked bedroom. He either took them when he was in two days ago or he can open the door and lock it. They could literally be anywhere. I can say he didn’t know what he was doing but at this time he did, as soon as I had them I locked them away, he has tried a few times and I’ve always said no, mammys, to leave the case and just take the pods out he knew he wasn’t supposed to have them.

Maybe the AirPods are what is the final straw the one that makes me snap? The one I’ve literally spent an hour crying over, no it’s not the actual pods, it’s the fact that as fast as I’m cleaning a room he’s behind me making a mess. He has four hours of respite I spend that 4 hours cleaning. As fast as I clean it doesn’t look like I’ve done any thing, nothing stays tidy for any length of time. Ever.

It’s hard work, it’s mentally as well as physically draining. We seem to be on constant meltdowns, the frustration is turning into aggression.

At this point I’m not sure what to do. The lack of sleep means I’m not seeing things like I should do and am snapping more. I can’t remember the last time I watched any tv, this year I’ve watched two films and that was right at the beginning of lockdown when Z was sleeping by 9 and was waking at 7.

It’s when you think maybe you have that one safe space, and you don’t. I don’t want to be locking Z out of rooms it’s his house as well and he should be able to be him in his house. He makes a mess, he thrives on mess, but there’s only so much mess I can take. I can leave toys etc around but when that’s mixed in with food I can’t, then we have massive meltdowns because I’m tidying again. I don’t know how to get the balance right. He can’t have every room a mess, I need my room sort of tidy, it’s not empty, but that’s where things get hidden. I need the living room, kitchen, bathroom and landing clear. I can’t be having things lined up down the stairs it’s dangerous.

We don’t get any away time from Z, when he’s going to bed later than I would be and getting to anywhere from 3-5 the very odd day it’s been 7, lockdown has been double the length of time. It’s been hard for everyone not just us I get that and there are people out there who are in worse positions than me.

Yes now we’re in the holidays. No longer in lockdown, but I know if we go into another lockdown we’re not going to make it as a family, as people.

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