I love my son but right now I want to quit parenting.
I’m sick of the 11 pm finishes and the 3am starts. There isn’t a job in the world with such long hours. There’s no way it would be legal. Yet here we are but with it also expected to work, to carry on everyday life, to function as part of society because there really isn’t much help out there. I’m lucky my I get 2 hours respite a week and 8 during the holidays, some families don’t even get that.
I’m sick of the constant tiredness I’m sick of the arguing and the snapping at each other, I’m tired from trying to function on 4 hours sleep with a constant headache. I am tired of whinging myself, I feel all I’ve done lately is moan, the headache and hunger at 3.30 is a nightmare, can’t just roll over and go back to sleep, you have to be awake, you have to be alert when he’s running up and down the stairs in the dark throwing himself about you have to stay awake to keep him safe.
Z’s currently screaming the house down, stamping across the landing and crying.
My minds made up ipad is gone, for my own sanity, everyday I’m closer to calling quits on my marriage for the thinking I’d get one night a week of full nights sleep every week. I can see how and why so many sen families split, we don’t have time to sit and watch tv as husband and wife imagine starting a film at 11.30 when Z goes to bed most films are around 2 hours some longer we’d be going at 2 an hour before it’s time to get up. The same as going out for a few drinks together, yes get a sitter and come in at 12 we’d still be drunk getting up! This is the reality this is our life and many other sen families. It’s currently 3.30 we’ve had 30 minutes or so so far, wit at least an another hour to go if we’re lucky he’ll be asleep by 4.40, he’ll be back up 6.40-7.
Some weeks autism is hard, one or two nights you get, but when those nights become more often than not and they seem to be well off the three week ‘phases’ you are accustomed to the fear that this really is reality is terrifying, when someone asks what time he go to sleep last night and your reply oh he was sleeping by 10.50 with little excitement in your voice you know you’ve hit the point that it’s become normal.
Normal to be going to bed the same time as your 6 year old, normal for your 6 year old to have complete control of your life, I can’t just go to bed when I’m tired, I have to wait for him to sleep first. I can’t lay there for the fear of falling asleep and Z doing himself damage by attempting to get out a window or bang a mirror or even escaping.
Again I love Z, I wanted him and I get he’s my responsibility, but right now boarding school looks good!